What 2 months of doing nothing taught me

Back during the school year, I barely had much time to do nothing. My schedule was always packed with CCA, studying, family commitments and outing with friends and classmates.

After A levels, I tried a different approach. I basically did everything and anything I wanted to do. And I realised that it led to basically nothing. Really nothing. The day will be something like (assuming I don't go out or anything, assuming that it's an awesomely boring day and its raining etc.) wake up: check fb, check blogs, whatsapp... *insert activity using phone here* for like half an hour, finally drag myself out, use my computer/ watch TV, maybe a jog in the evening, get on with my internet business idea a little. That's how my day goes. :X

I have to proudly state that i am officially sick of slacking. Really. Doing nothing felt great initially but after like a long period of it (okay fine I didn't exactly do nothing, I did go out with friends + do my applications + other stuff but most of the day was spent on nothing, compared to previously where almost like zero% of my day was spent slacking) I'm officially bored of doing nothing. Seriously. As if that's possible, but yes it is. Maybe I was built to do something, and that something isn't wasting my time doing nothing.

I now feel like doing something meaningful. 

Yep, that's what slacking taught me. And it may seem like a very DUH! thing to you maybe, but let me tell you this: the only way you can possibly reach this realization is to slack. Seriously. There is no other way. You may convince yourself otherwise to avoid living such a life, but deep inside you WILL yearn for rest and relaxation. It is only by taking this unproductive route that you may realise that maybe doing whatever you want i.e slacking is actually absolutely useless.  Now, everyone knows it's absolutely useless, hence I should clarify, doing whatever you want (like absolutely freefall) into slacking DOES NOT MAKE YOU HAPPY.

Well people have a misconception that its relaxing and it is but after awhile there is this emptiness... but most people will probably never reach that nirvana where they are actually bored of doing nothing, anyway. They are too busy with their small lives that they don't really reach a stage where they go like. Hell yeah. I'm casting away whatever society wants me to do and just DO WHATEVER I WANT.

Which led me to a quarter-life (haha) crisis. WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?

So I took a walk downstairs today and walked like 20 rounds around my condo. I was extremely disturbed one day (but i only thought about it today) because I have always thought that happiness in life was being comfortable, relaxing, having enough time on my hands, being stress free (imagine like a massage of something, that feeling), having enough rest etc.

Well, something like what this picture depicts

All of a sudden, all my preconceived notions about the meaning of life (save the religous ones) - to attain happiness in the abovementioned way was being challenged. i was wrong!!! I did whatever I want but now I'm getting more and more unhappy with zero fulfillment.

So then, what is the meaning of life, and what makes one attain happiness?

Let me take a moment to clarify now that any mentioned theories on this site about life and any other ambiguous notions are all my thoughts and by no means does it mean that it applies to everyone. So if you do not agree, then well, that's fine with me too! We all have our different views about life so peace out and just mull over mine without judging.

Well, after much thinking, I have gathered that happiness is no longer about relaxing and living a comfortable life. That is important, but to reach that stage of happiness, one has to aim for certain things.

I'm guessing I just had the wrong definition of enjoy.

1. Appreciation by others. Read above disclaimer. While I do agree strongly that one should not be affected by what others say (yes really. just live your own life, that's what I do anyway), we are ultimately humans and are social creatures. Hence by doing something that people approve of and applaud you for, thereby making them admire you, you're more likely to do something as compared to something everyone disses. Screw society but well we are humans. :( The point is to find the sweet spot where people appreciate you and you actually like what you are doing.

For me, the most obvious two ways would be:
(A) Expanding your creativity
(B) Doing kind deeds and helping others

2. Purpose in life, closely linked to 1. Because it's pretty obvious that 1 and 2 are concurrently achieved.

3. Love and intimacy by your loved ones. (Hence the importance of maintaining relationships with families and close friends.) Love is the core of a life. Money is really, secondary, albeit being a tool for being at a better position to pay attention to love at the same time.

And that's about all, so far. =)...

Life is after all, limitless. I guess as I grow older, new experiences coupled with new people I meet will always give me a fresh perspective, allowing me to undoubtedly shape and improve my existing perspective of the world as I perceive it to be and my role in it.

*Pictures from google. Quotes are all by famous people :)

Afraid

Today was quite a disturbing day and my thoughts couldn't settle.

Was trying to sleep my afternoon nap but I kept imagining hell and the people screaming in it..

Feeling so scared for all the people who have yet to accept Christ.. Are they going to burn forever, God??? What about my family... Life is so fickle... At any point things may change..

And my grandma who died in April, is she burning in hell now? Probably... I really don't know.

After watching that video about an account of how someone went to hell and back.

I'm abit skeptical about how someone can go to hell and back, but he has no reason to lie. Why will someone fake going to hell and back to spread the word of God? I do not believe that his testimony is faked. But some parts, like how he started trembling when the pastor said the verse about the lamp, and also; the part where he said he changed entirely after his dad broke the lamp; those parts: I do think that it was exaggerated in some ways. I do not believe that a single event will cause someone to change 360 degrees. They may not be lies but they may not be the complete truth.. Just to make the story interesting.

But the part about hell; the part about the van burning up in fire; the screams; I do believe that his testimony is true to a certain extent. He has no reason to fool the world. He has nothing to gain. If his reason on giving a testimony was to help more people convert, lying is a sin and I do believe that what he said as 80% true but maybe a little exaggerated at some parts to make it sound more dramatic. But nonetheless, true.

... Back to my thoughts.

Hell...

It's like a volcano with a bottomless pit, people are screaming, asking you not to enter. They are burning in pain, but they don't burn to death. The terrified look in their eyes, as they try to run, to escape, but they can't. And there they will burn, for eternity.

This is the urgency of the gospel.. Can't believe I only realised it today.. I tried sleeping but i couldnt. Really scared. What should I do? :( I'm powerless.. Every minute more and more people enter and there they burn in pain, forever. And there's nothing I can do about it.

Drawing parallels between darkness and loneliness

We're all scared of the dark. Why?

We are scared of being lonely.

Where does the light come from then? The real light that makes us fearless, is the light that comes from within us. That light that comes from knowing that we are loved. Knowing that somebody loves you.

Why does it show only in the dark then? That's when you're vulnerable. And when you're vulnerable, you're dependent on others. And when you're dependent, you need people to help you.

Of course there'll be people who are not afraid of the dark.

1. People who don't think about it.

This can be reflected in life as people who are too 'busy' to realise that they are not loved. Wrapped up in work/studies/whatever other stuff that life throws at you. They do not appreciate the love people have for them. They do not realise it's importance, simply because they don't think much about it.

Simply put they just walk down the corridor without feeling anything. It's just a corridor for Pete's sake.

2. I do not need others
'I am great, I have done XXYYZZAABBCC in my life' mentality. I have achieved this. I have an A for this. I have came so far. I have survived. I'm still kicking. I do not need to depend on anyone.

Well these people don't feel afraid because they think that they do not need any help because they're all great and mighty. Well... That's not true. We are all imperfect, and we all fall someday.

Whose most afraid then?

3. Self before others
I would say a good majority of people end up here.

Some humans are innately selfish, they care too much about themselves to care much about other people. It's always self before others. It's a 'I have my own commitments, my life does not revolve around you'. They are not heartless, they simply put their well being first.

What they do not realise is that, noone gives a fuck about how well you're doing.

No one cares about how rich you are.
Nobody cares how many cars you have.
Nobody cares how much cash you have in the bank.
No one cares if you've perfect results.

What they do care about is what you mean to them.

And because you mean something to them, your achievements, in turn, mean something to them.

Why bother pushing yourself up, if you step and/ or ignore others on the way?

These people are the ones who are the most afraid.

Because they've spent their lives looking out for themselves, and putting themselves first.

Walking through the corridor, you feel scared. But you tell yourself to not be stupid. You've nothing to be scared of! But you still can't shrug that feeling off... You haven't loved enough, and you know deep inside that no one really cares about you because you've chased away everyone who truly did.

Note: there are many details and exceptions about type 3, I guess I'll elaborate on the next blogpost.

Heart vs mind

I really wonder what's worse:

Loving the person you don't wanna love,
Or being unable to love the person you wanna love.

Life is full of ironies.

I wrote this one day when everyone seemed to be doing well but Iwasn't. And I was feeling so shitty about it that I let paranoia creepin.

One has to trust in The Lord, and not think selfish thoughts that let itself manifest into fear, paranoia and distraction. It is not only a lack of trust in God(there is no way God will let you free fall!) but a deep feeling of jealousy and envy which has to be eradicated.

One has to acknowledge that such fears are merely selfish thoughts and instead depend on God for luck and love. It is only then that we can truly say that we trust God.

Music is one of the most beautiful things ever discovered. We should all aim to make the words that come out of our mouths sound as lovely as the music. Maybe the only reason why music was invented by God is because only mean, hurtful stuff comes out of our mouths most of the time. In contrast, music never fights, never hurts, never puts you down and hence the reason why it's so beautiful to our ears.

Damn why didn't I feel so sentimental when I was doing my gp paper 2 >_>

Depression? Angst?

Strength? Hope?

What exactly is this feeling?

Praying for others

People that I prayed for tonight:
Mum, Dad, Sis, Bro, Marcus, Sophia, Julia, Kang Li, Xin Yi, Joyce, Jerald, Yongtao

Ahh. After I finished I realised that Jose is quite stressed >.< tomorrow then!

I pray that tomorrow will be a better day! Amen!

Love makes the world go round.

Looking back, God has guided me to make all the right decisions that I have never realised was right. Praise The Lord!

True strength, is going the extra mile when everyone has given up.

Yes, I love the school when it's at night. Whether if it was because of Astro or when I've mugged my ass off, there's a quiet serenity and peace that will not happen anytime during the day.

Time

Time always flies. Time surpasses us all. Close your eyes. Feel the seconds ticking away. Are you bring productive? Are you spending your time on people who are not really worth your time?

Tick, tick, tick.

Careful planning is crucial. As the seconds pass by, they can never return. Another moment lost. Another opportunity gone. Another lesson forgone.

Too many things. Too many people. Too little time.

Some random stuff I have been thinking about recently

1. I saw an advert for hair treatment at the mrt. Nothing really special until some time after i passed it, when I realised: she wasn't really the sort of models you'll regularly see.

Ah, what an interesting advertisement. There was a label saying she was a homemaker and suffered from post natal hair loss. Chances are, that's the kind of problems the people who'll be reading it will be facing. Some smart marketing there. Something people can relate to. The advertisement was not perfect, but perfect at the same time...

2. Why is it that for the national day rally speech, there has to be 3 ministers who'll be talking in front of the prime minister? (something unusual..)

We can apply the advertising techniques employed by firms here.

INFORMATIVE ADVERTISING: Informing consumers (aka the citizens) about the existence and availability of these new ministers.

All 3 of them are young. And aside from that, as a Singaporean since birth, I've only ever heard of one of them. Chances are, most singaporeans don't even know about their existence too.

And well... They'll be in the parliament for quite awhile, might as well. Plus they just MAY be the ones who'll be helping PAP after a few years.

PERSUASIVE ADVERTISING:

Hmm. 4 ministers seem quite a lot... At least it shows that they've sincerity. And in a way, this is an indirect way of marketing the new ministers. Show that they care. That they're taking after the welfare of citizens. That they're bright and creative. That they're cable of coming up with good policies. Bg putting them together with the prime minister, especially at the national day rally, people will definitely treat them seriously to a certain extent. That's a good first impression...

-end of thinking process-

Sometimes, I feel so bitter about my life. I am 18 years ago, at the peak of my youth. Yet all I'm doing is studying most of the time. I just can't help but feel that I should be doing more than this. As they say, young wild and crazy. At 18, that's what I should be.not restrained. But slowly, I've came to learn that this is God's will for me. I guess this is a test of peservarance.
I will walk God's path for me. Maybe not 18. 19? 20? 21? There's still a whole life in front of me. I'll live life.

We all need love.

Love. Love, love. Even a cat needs love.

So I was sitting at my usual thinking bench when all of a sudden I felt something move under my bench. Then a cat popped up. It started going around my legs, snuggling towards me. Startled, I hastily walked away. It just kept staring at me. I stood at the same spot. We looked at each other. I stood still. It came towards me. It went around my legs. Rubbed it's fur against me. 10 seconds. Before I got freaked out about what's happening and ran away.

Jogging

So it's been a long time since i blogged on this page. I don't think anyone comes here anymore, but well. Here's a post i copied from the other blog i own which i posted today. (Well technically yesterday since since it's 2.09AM now). (It's private anyway. I don't update there often too haha):

Back from a jog. Jogging at 7PM seems to be a good timing. It was quite peaceful, peeking into people's houses, hearing the sound of people eating dinner, the sound of dinner being cooked, the sound of parents teaching their kids homework.

I've always been a fan of pretty houses, jogging at night allows me to see the lighting and furniture! Most of the houses's interior were really nicely furnished too. I want a house like that for my kids too!(if I have them haha)

But of course the people matter more:) I am willing to forgo everything for a happy family. Okay this is getting a little weird so I shall cap it here:)

Till then I shall study really hard to open more doors!

Cya! Endorphin ftw.

One GP lesson a few days ago, my GP tutor was telling us about a friend she had. She said her friend was really pretty, but kept getting abused by her boyfriend and kept being pressurised for sex. She changed one boyfriend, but the next was still the same, and so on. Apparently, Mrs Tan said she had some self-esteem issues and the boyfriends just took advantage of her neediness. Well, so apparently it's her that's the problem, and not the boyfriends (that's what Mrs Tan said she deduced)

Which made me wonder, does love even exist for losers? Cuz if you're really weak, and really have no self-confidence. No matter how much of a "good guy" you meet, eventually he'll be sick of trying to change you and instead turn your lack of self worth into his advantage. (Eg, snapping at you, abusing you, knowing that you won't do anyhitng and that he can get his way anyway.) Since it happened with so many boyfriends for her case, I don't believe that ALL the guys are abusers. They must have turned into one.

If that's the case, is there really true love for anyone then? Maybe I should rephrase. Is there anyone that will love you for who you are and not turn your weaknesses into their strengths?

To hell with love? Or is there really true love today?

Reliance, dependence, fear.

You know people are really relying on you when you stop yourself from voicing out your insecurities and fears because people are depending on you, they trust you and for their sake you have to remain calm, controlled, as if you're certain things are going to be successful. Because they find solace in your calmness and are not worrying because you aren't.

For me, everything has a smell. The smell of stress, the smell of O levels, the smell of love, the smell of infatuation, the smell of rain, the smell of someone, the smell of sweat in NPCC, the smell of the sea

The theory of selfishness

Is it possible that all humankind is selfish? Maybe, we care because we need them so much if they cease, we will fall.

A lover sacrifices himself not because he cares for her, but rather, without her, his life is worthless. There's a difference.

Parents love their kid so much because it's additional security for their future, they need the kid for their future, to fill their days with happiness. They care for their kid because they've been through so much for their kid that if the kid dies, the parents lives will be adversely affected, all that energy and money and time wasted, all that empty days ahead so unfathomable. It isn't love for the kid, it's love for themselves.

Even a stranger, he saves lives, not because he cares, but because if e does not save that life, his life will be ruined knowing that he could have saved the other.

So are humans selfish ultimately?

In caring for someone, you only seek to care for yourself, whether directly or indirectly. In loving, you're loving yourself. Maybe selfishness has to exist for love and care to exist. Maybe.

Vulnerable

There was one night when i was tossing in bed because I couldnt sleep when my hand was resting on my heart. All of a sudden, I could hear my heart beating, my pulse pulsating through my body. Boom. Boom. Boom. I imagined my heart pumping blood with each beat to my body, that tiny piece of muscle. All of a sudden, I felt very vulnerable. I could die anytime. There was no time to waste! My heart could stop any second. It could be a malfunction. Anything. Boom. My heart beated again. Suddenly, my brain envisioned a scene at a hospital. At one bed, an old man was crying at the bedside of his loved one, praying for her survival. Life seemed so fickle, like it could end at anytime. The scenes switched. Now i visioned a party at USA (I've never been there before, anyway), people partying giving no regards to life. It struck me as odd at that time, how they don't realise how life, with one beat, can all be over. I spent the next 5 minutes or so listening to my heart.