What happened? Where is the happiness we wanted?

Everything is so confusing. How ironic, that its a Chinese song that so aptly sums up my life in the past 3 months. That a Chinese song is the one whose lyrics made me tear again and again.

This inexplicable sadness in my heart... A mix of sadness, confusion, longing, love, anger, hatred, tiredness, fear.

I never ever wanna fall in love again. It hurts too much. Bit by bit, the pieces of my heart is fading. Until what's left, is nothing.

But the musical box of memories keeps playing, how do I stop that?

Alright. Enough of emo Chinese love songs that bring out all the sadness.

Heart vs mind

I really wonder what's worse:

Loving the person you don't wanna love,
Or being unable to love the person you wanna love.

Life is full of ironies.

Amazing how quickly things change. As of now, I feel nothing but disgust. No more admiration. No more affection. Just frustration, and a deep desire to concentrate.

Letting go

I suppose just like a bird in your hands, there's no point trying to keep the bird with you if it's dying to go.

Feeling more alone than ever before.

I look back at our happy conversations from 2 months ago on whatsapp. We sounded so happy. What went wrong?

Been a long time since I said something sweet and actually meant it. No lies, no manipulation, just saying the truth..

Ten thousand promises, ten thousand ways to lose.

Heartbreak Warfare

Lightning strikes
Inside, my chest to keep me up at night
Dream of ways
To make you understand my pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Drop his name
Push it in and twist the knife again
Watch my face
As I pretend to feel no pain

Clouds of sulfur in the air
Bombs are falling everywhere
It's heartbreak warfare
Once you want it to begin,
No one really ever wins
In heartbreak warfare.

If you want more love,
why don't you say so?
If you want more love,
why don't you say so?

Just say so...

How come the only way to know how high you get me
is to see how far I fall
God only knows how much I'd love you if you let me
but I can't break through at all.

It's a heartbreak...

I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight
Let's just fix this whole thing now
I swear to God we're gonna get it right
If you lay your weapon down
Red wine and ambien
You're talking shit again, it's heartbreak warfare
Good to know it's all a game
Disappointment has a name, it's heartbreak, heartbreak.

It's heartbreak warfare.
It's heartbreak warfare.
It's heartbreak warfare.

---------------------------------------------------


So how would you know if you even love someone?

We all need love.

Love. Love, love. Even a cat needs love.

So I was sitting at my usual thinking bench when all of a sudden I felt something move under my bench. Then a cat popped up. It started going around my legs, snuggling towards me. Startled, I hastily walked away. It just kept staring at me. I stood at the same spot. We looked at each other. I stood still. It came towards me. It went around my legs. Rubbed it's fur against me. 10 seconds. Before I got freaked out about what's happening and ran away.

One GP lesson a few days ago, my GP tutor was telling us about a friend she had. She said her friend was really pretty, but kept getting abused by her boyfriend and kept being pressurised for sex. She changed one boyfriend, but the next was still the same, and so on. Apparently, Mrs Tan said she had some self-esteem issues and the boyfriends just took advantage of her neediness. Well, so apparently it's her that's the problem, and not the boyfriends (that's what Mrs Tan said she deduced)

Which made me wonder, does love even exist for losers? Cuz if you're really weak, and really have no self-confidence. No matter how much of a "good guy" you meet, eventually he'll be sick of trying to change you and instead turn your lack of self worth into his advantage. (Eg, snapping at you, abusing you, knowing that you won't do anyhitng and that he can get his way anyway.) Since it happened with so many boyfriends for her case, I don't believe that ALL the guys are abusers. They must have turned into one.

If that's the case, is there really true love for anyone then? Maybe I should rephrase. Is there anyone that will love you for who you are and not turn your weaknesses into their strengths?

To hell with love? Or is there really true love today?

The words I never said

How the sun shined on your face
on the most beautiful face in this world
framed by the longest eye lashes i've seen
when your tall frame shadowed mine
all the veins and muscles in your pale arms
but yet, how i felt safe at the same time.


The hours we'll spend talking
Each day was exciting as we learnt more about each other
And we'll sneak out of class just to have a few words
The air of danger
of getting caught together,
the risk made it all the more exciting
How that staircase became a place of memories for us


Funny how time flies when you're awestruck
when two hearts connect
how everything seems so crystal clear with the right person around
how the hardest physics formulas plant themselves in my head
with just a whisper from you
how i'll stay wide awake in the most boring of classes
just to turn around to look at you
how we'll just eat hawker food
And you'll exclaim its our best meal ever
how we'll sit together at the piano
and anything you play seemed like a miracle


That electrifying tingle when we brushed hands
how that innocent handshake
had me awake for hours
how that casual high 5
made my heart beat faster
I'll always remember the first time
We leaned closer
How I could hear your breaths
I could have stayed there forever feeling your warmth




How even the most horrible of songs
sounded like a peaceful melody when you shared it
How I would play them over and over again
just because they'll remind me of you
And when I got a phonecall for you
I would drop everything, just to hear your voice
How I would close my eyes and stop breathing
Just so I could hear your voice louder and clearer
Hear your laughs ever more distinctively
How I would refuse to put down the phone
Just so I could have a few more moments with you


And remember how i used to always be sleepy?
Truth is, I was always wide awake,
it was just the sweetness in the air that made me drowsy with happiness
And how you would offer your shoulder
And I'll place my head on it, I could have stayed there forever.


How I'll always worry
That you weren't feeling the same way as I was,
that you were uncomfortable, or wasnt as happy
But then, I'll always remember how at the same exact moment
We both gave that sign of satisfaction
And with that, a wave of reassurance.
It'll always amaze me.


And a million other amazing things
that blew my mind away
can't write it all here, or I may just break down.
They threw me off course, a perfect fantasy.
To date, everything you've given me is still with me..
even if it was just a random note, or the presents, flower, cards. Everything.


Times have changed
I no longer take physics
I go to college in a big, grand but unfamiliar campus
And when the sun shines, its just too hot
the lessons are too boring, I fall asleep in all of them
How there are flaws in everyone, can't help but see them
I can't get the intensity right anymore
Nothing feels right
Sure, I can always fool myself,
But I know I'll never have the same sincerity again


Time flies, people change,
I'm sorry for all the sadness
That look of sadness on your face
Nearly broke me, filled me with guilt
I'm sorry I was so superficial, I really hated myself
I couldn't face you for months afterwards
How not going to NJC seemed like the natural thing to do
Till now, its so awkward talking to you...
But the memories, they'll stay. Forever.

Cuz you know that maybe it's time for miracles

Today I made a choice. I comfort myself by saying that there's nothing to lose.......but this seems so out of the world. I wonder if I will come to regret this choice. I hope not and that...miracles will happen. =)

Love is a game of deception.

What if in hiding our feelings, we never get to know the truth?
What if in suppressing our desires, we never get to know what is happiness?

Why didnt you reply my message? FINE, see if i care...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

I care... :'(

There is no shortcut to anywhere worth going.

I'll remember who took me for granted and who will help me up. Cos when things are better, I'll know who to trust.

Learnt something yesterday from the person i least expected to learn it from. Liking someone is like different from wanting someone. One good way of asking yourself: If the person you like dies tmr, will you be sad? That's the best way to judge if you really like the person. Or it's just a want.

I have now changed my point of view. People who have multiple crushes or flirt are really people that are very unstable in mind. Of course..it's very enjoyable. But not healthy. You're inviting all the bad karma to your doorstep and you'll never find the correct one.

Ask yourselves..have you flirted, ever? Like honestly. Lol. Unless you're 100% single and available, crushless, with no ties to any1 blahblahblah than can. Okay, granted it's quite enjoyable, but still.

Don't get what you want and break what you get. It's not worth it. I dunno about you guys but I'm perfectly serious in everyone I like (if any). Like not for fun lah, I am really serious. All the way until marriage. Of course I'm young and stupid now but at least that little i can see.

That's my point lah. Obviously you should not string people around and around. If you weren't honest right from the beginning, how bout the rest? I dunno lah. After all I'm only 15 and have plenty of time to perfect my views.

P/S Going taiwan!