Reflection Day

Went for CV writing and interviews workshop today. Aside from really useful tips bout resume writing and really smooth tips for interviews, we also analysed our 16pf profiler which i feel is the most accurate assessment of my traits yet.

Later went to some GP tuition center from some intro session. Of course I'm not going for tuition because its 320$ a month and I'll never waste my parent's money like that. They need it for retirement/ feeding the family. So i guess nope, but wow I learnt a lot about what top gunners want, how they carry themselves, how to network, i have to say that the session was more like a networking session. Talked to a stanford graduate today, and my instructor was some GIC bigshot who owns like a mercedes that's like 400k so I guess he's loaded (That dude happens to have loads of other achievements and stuff) too. :C

And all the while, i don't know... it's like being in hwa chong, people respect you, view you as someone with potential. i can't even count how many times the words capable/potential/clever has came up today. But we're good at academics. SO WHAT? I don't understand what all the fuss is about, now damn you can't blame people for being elitists or for the students themselves to feel superior right? They've been like brainwashed since i don't know how young./

Anyway, grandma died this morning just when i was about to leave for school. My dad wasn't even by her side. I keep feeling jabs of regret, why didn't i talk to her? Why? WHY?

Did a lot of thinking on the way back. Reflecting about myself, my character, how i feel from today's sessions, my future, my career, even my future family/ boyfriend/ husband, my priorities in life, where i want to go for university.

Today I've deduced/ reflected and thought about certain issues within me and have come to terms that:

Character:
1. I'm not suitable for working in a company of any sorts where I have to constantly network with other people. I okay/above average when it comes to doing it, but i don't enjoy it.

1. I feel really good when I teach people things, when i talk to people that respect me, when people trust me with my decisions. (aka being the superior one at the top where i don't have to constantly try to impress people.) (I've noticed this during Astro sessions)

2. I like engaging in thought provoking discussions (i've noticed this during school time when I keep discussing stuff with my friends and i really enjoy it), i feel good when I'm asking questions and discussing meaningful and intellectual issues/ concepts and answering other people's questions knowledgably. However i easily get pissed when people don't understand me/ ask me stupid questions.

3. I am emotionally reactive, that is, I tend to be very impulsive and get angry very easily. I am very temperamental. Although it's kinda hard to tell normally because bout say, half the time I will be keeping these emotions in check but they're still there and I may act on them. Have. to. control! Or rather, have to work on not getting angry at all. (The fact that me and Heng Chun quarelled over something i said on a whim where i was a little too harsh which triggered him to get angry is like totally proof..)

4. I am sensitive towards how other people are feeling, that is, sensitive to their emotional side. When someone is offended, i know. Angry, i know. Happy, i know. Sad, i know. Bored, i know. This i guess is a strong point that i am hoping to leverage on.

(I got point 3 and 4 from the pf16 report which said lots of other stuff but i've yet to check it out fully.)

5. I view myself as a very imaginative person. As a kid, I really really loved to play cooking cooking and all those toys which simply isn't real. My bro and I will act as kings and queens too and make our own crowns! Another game was how we would shift everything in the house (yeah my parents were angry lol) into one room. That game was called "ban1 jia1" (like you know, moving house trololol.) But of course I don't like to keep the stuff lahh haha. And and we'll stack the tables on top (dangerous but who cares) of each other and then pretend we were construction workers.

6. Slightly linked to point 5, I don't know why...i sort of love the idea that I'm my own boss and I'm free to do whatever I like, come up with my own ideas and then actually execute my ideas immediately instead of posting it up for evaluation by my bosses and then let the idea go to waste. This is why I've been contemplating (slightly) about going for business because it really allows my imaginative spirit to flow like the wind. I love coming up with my own enterprising ideas, I love designing my own room/ restaurant/ house.  (can't go into art though, my art sucks i can't even draw stickman properly, the best i can do is hence design stuff in my head which ain't gonna be of much help.)

7. I really love looking at pretty houses! It's really one of my dreams to own a nice house (I'm not really particular about the size, just enough for everyone to be comfortable is alright too for me) with good designing where everything is neat, for my family. Not gonna buy any wooden shelves because that's when all the insects and stuff starts building nests inside when the furniture starts getting old.

I remember when i was in secondary school, i'll walk home everyday and stare at the same house again and again and again because I was really fascinated with what was inside. It just seemed so atas... I watched it start from nothing to becoming a super nice chio house with BBQ pit, swimming pool complete with loads of beach chairs (don't ask me how i know), 2 nice cosy rooms for the kids, a really spacious living room, even a row of shower heads for showering after swimming (and it's those type of large shower heads that totally spam water which i love).

Hence, I need a comfortable job at the very least because I want a comfortable life, not just for myself, but for my kids, my parents, my husband(?) (Or maybe a rich husband lolol but I'm not placing any bets on that haah)

8. That being said, I treasure those that are around me the most. My grandma just died, and that has really triggered me to think a lot. I sort of envisioned my own funeral on the way back home, and i thought about what people would be saying about me. I realised...that when i imagined people saying stuff like "She was the CEO of sososo company..." i literally cringed. This immediately came with the realisation that i wanted people to remember me as who i am, rather than what i have done. Who cares bout what you've done? I prefer closer relationships and I really treasure the people who are close to me: Parents, siblings, relatives, Sophia, and my closer friends, in order of importance. Human relationships mean a whole lot to me. Hence i can't be in a job like finance where you've to work like a dog because I really want to spend more time with them.

9. Typical teenager: i really love going out with my friends. Seriously, the highlights of my teenage life are all hanging out with backpackers gang and all my other friends to all the spots in sg where we had truckloads of fun talking nonsense. Everytime I go pass a place I'll like have different lovely memories about different outings which I'll treasure forever :)

10. I prefer to focus on one task all the way and forget about all others. (I know this because for example, if I want to study hard, i dislike even cleaning my desk/ doing too much CCA stuff and stuff like that.) I mean i can still do it, but i don't enjoy it because it distracts me slightly from the task that I want to complete to my best abilities.

11. At certain times, I may be very skeptical about the actions of some humans, and think that they have some hidden agenda against me. Bad gotta work on that.

12. I get competitive at times, and I am good under pressure. I can survive and win, but I don't like it at all.

Options:

Clinical Psychologist
1. Currently, I'm thinking of being a clinical psychologist.... It just seems to be the perfect options but I have many concerns too. Obviously firstly comes the really normal ones like what if i don't like it etc etc etc.

2. I'm afraid a psychology degree in Singapore isn't prestigous enough for me to be a clinical psychologist. I went to surf many corporate websites where clinical psychologists have their own private practice and its like... I don't know, they're credentials are so impressive and they all kinda went overseas to get all their certs, couldn't find anyone from NUS/NTU/SMU that is a clinical psychologist..at most only clerk/ helper! I'm so confused. I don't want to take a degree and later realise that I can't achieve my dreams because it isn't good enough..

3. I want to go overseas to pursue psychology but I'm not gonna waste my parents money on that, I need a scholarship. But I somehow doubt that anyone will want to give me a scholarship to be a clinical psychologist! They'll mostly be looking for industrial psychologists to give their scholarships too and hence... I don't wanna waste my time just to serve bonds for a scholarship in a job where I may be subjected to politics in the office and trying to lick up to my boss and stuff like that. I prefer to help and complete and guide and teach and imagine and love. ):

4. Regarding overseas uni, I'm quite reluctant to go for UK universities because i heard that they don't interact much with the locals there, so I'm basically like a PRC going to UK into a country where they hate us and look down on us and don't wanna talk to us. So much about absorbing local culture. If i were to go for overseas uni, firstly, it'll be to get a better education and coming a close second is to get to know other people from other backgrounds, especially the locals and to grow in another environment and soak up the culture and the people there. Not just looking at monuments, but really living the typical life of a teenager there including all their habits, and to make lifelong friends!!! Hence I'm like more interested in US universities but at the moment I'm not too sure if it's the same there at all or what. And I'll miss my family and friends and I'll have less time alone (ironic huh) because i'll have a roommate and stuff right? Can't mug secretly in my fridge already because no privacy jkjk. And if i hate it there there'll be noone to support me...

5. I kinda wanna go for SMU's double degree in business management and psychology because if I were to practice privately, I've to learn how to ummmmm... not get conned by say people renting the place out and stuff right? And do my sums and stuff. However i'm not sure if my intepretation of the scope of that course is in line with what they'll teach or it'll be more like teaching you how to twist and screw up people's minds which I'm not that interested in.