When you miss someone and it's so painful when something familiar comes up.

21 Lessons Upon Turning 21

1) Skincare, haircare and clothes is important. Do not be afraid of being judged by people who won't like you if you dress your best. They're not worth it. Feel your best always. Don't give a shit about what people think.
2) Pick a few really good friends whose character you want to grow to become, and be kind to everyone else.
3) Be consistent in what you want to do.
4) Leverage on your strengths, ignore your weaknesses.
5) Follow your dreams but always have a backup plan.
6) If someone makes you feel uncomfortable/ shitty (in general, not specific incidences), avoid that person as much as possible. No time to waste on people who'll suck your energy away.
7) Love is about compromising and upholding your promises
8) Never criticize anyone, they'll never listen anyway - no matter how well-intended your criticism is
9) Digital marketing is my muse
10) Never stop hustling
11) Parents are growing old, need to spend more time with them.
12) Old friends are gold, but never forget to stop communicating with them.
13) Invest in good tools that you use daily in your life. Don't compromise for second grade items because your daily mood will really be affected. Think: Cell phone***, computer***, calculator, chair, table, wallet, waterbottle....
14) People who are true leaders do not dominate, they make everyone feel comfortable and like them.
15) People who are truly smart and intelligent are not afraid to share and understand the power of collaboration.
16) If you are gonna do something different, don't expect everyone to like your choice. Do it anyway.
17) Follow your gut feeling on people, choices and issues. Most of the time, it's right.
18) Build your personal brand.
19) Don't do things that don't make you feel alive - it's a waste of time ultimately.
20) Stop watching tv, waste of time.
21) You attract the love you think you deserve.

Lessons From Hope Conference 2015

Day 1: 

1. Be a follower of Christ rather than be in it just for what God / Jesus can give.

2. Being a Christian is actually being a "Little Christ" - being so like Jesus people mistake me for Him.

2. Make yourself useful in the marketplace: We are all ministers in our own fields, not just in church.

3. Domino effect - the small is mighty!

4. God wants me to be happy and alive!


Day 2:

1. God blessed me with influence: influence and power is good because I can steer it on.

2. I stand between the living and the dead.

3. "The time is up for chasing shadows. You gave the world a light to follow."

from Relentless/ Hillsong spoke to me. I have been chasing shadows and wasting my time away for too long.. It is time for me to align what I do with what God would want.

4. Prayer Fridays/ Monthly Fridays

5. A dream to hold the biggest webinars for Christian Entrepreneurs

6. Dream killers like Facebook are a big nono

7. I have been very selfish and filled with fear and lack of trust for God. God showed me how I have been for the past few months and I have always been filled with fear and not putting God in the picture. It's time to let go of these and fully embrace what God has and wants for me.

8. Even with IM doesn't work, I will trust that God is steering me on the right path to something greater. I will hold and trust the promises of God, especially in this verse -

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

9. One life, one harvest: My actions should always involve other people in the picture because it is how i can be a good salt and light/ spread the gospel/ bless others :)

Thank you God.

All these tribulations... I am growing up.

Grades in university

At this juncture of my university life, 11 weeks into the term, I feel... lost. Lessons are relatively easier and a lot less challenging than A levels in terms of content. Emphasis, is instead, on an ability to talk and a self-discipline to stay focused and do your own revision. Additionally, staying in a Residential College in Cinnamon also brings with it a new way of living for me.

There's a million issues that I want to record down now, but for now, I will stick to my grades. I just... don't have the drive to try my very very best anymore. When I go to class, I know that it is 30% class participation, but yet at times, I am just too shag to talk after the mandatory 1 or 2 times to get the mandatory class participation for each class. For my USP essay, I know that I can do better, I even submitted my paper 3's draft late, and its worth quite a lot of weightage and also I am sacrificing being in the good books of my professor.

I wonder why.

Perhaps its because after my good A level grades, I ended up in NUS business school, albeit under a NUS scholarship, but still... i can get in with a much lower grade. I feel... the rat race in Singapore is over-hyped. I feel... a sense of laziness because after mugging my ass off for A levels, i couldn't bring myself to feel like this over again. And because the rigour isn't really there, focusing instead on accuracy and articulation, perhaps. Most importantly, I want to start my own business, and i don't think CAP is a way of working towards that. This results in some kind of disjointedness, I guess. I score a good CAP for? A good job in a good company. But the irony is that I dont WANNA work in a good company. And there lies the conflict.

But, I suppose, I want to strive for excellence in whatever I do, and for God & my parents to be proud of me, and that is what will keep me going.

Lost.

I feel confused, what do I stand for in life?

Who really cares about me?

Relationships - what do they mean?

Is it tearing me down, is it not feasible?

Should I trust, when he has proven himself unreliable and having ill habits?

Why do I feel resentful, at others' happiness?

Why do I lock myself in, always presuming people do not have a good impression of me, and in doing so, perhaps inhibit any new friendships?

Why am I slipping deeper into sin? Is it because of him, and his nonchalance and values of what is right and wrong?

Why am I unhappy, when I have more time and everything around me?

Why do I feel myself clinging desperately for comfort, for familiarity, for being alone, for feeling peace and quiet, for wanting so badly to retain the place I call home for so many years?

I am confused, God, I want to figure my life so badly. I want a good life, a peaceful relationship; not this God. And yet, I can't let go, grappling so tightly to the possibility that things can get better.

And whose fault is it? Is it mine, with my short temper and defensiveness, or his. With his sensitiveness and sharp accusatory tongue? Or is this just a sad combination that will not work out; unless I drastically change who I am?

Will I never be able to seek comfort in him, in feeling stability, in feeling presence, in feeling compatibility, in feeling serenity?

Today: Morning: Project group meeting at 10, sidewalk MGM at 11, 1.30 - 4ish to discuss jubident with kangli. 515 practice for song worship. 6.30 NSC meeting, 8pm USP ministry

kaylenetxh@gmail.com

email

Identity crisis.

Yesterday.

Yesterday was a more chill day. Woke up late for financial accounting, and then chionged to the LT for lecture.

Following which stayed behind to do essay in my room and then had lunch with Rachel.

Continued doing WCT essay and then took a good nap, woke up, continued doing and then went for dinner.

Went for USS where I researched more about jelly and then went for saren's Icecream party. After that, went back to room to finish WCT.