I feel confused, what do I stand for in life?
Who really cares about me?
Relationships - what do they mean?
Is it tearing me down, is it not feasible?
Should I trust, when he has proven himself unreliable and having ill habits?
Why do I feel resentful, at others' happiness?
Why do I lock myself in, always presuming people do not have a good impression of me, and in doing so, perhaps inhibit any new friendships?
Why am I slipping deeper into sin? Is it because of him, and his nonchalance and values of what is right and wrong?
Why am I unhappy, when I have more time and everything around me?
Why do I feel myself clinging desperately for comfort, for familiarity, for being alone, for feeling peace and quiet, for wanting so badly to retain the place I call home for so many years?
I am confused, God, I want to figure my life so badly. I want a good life, a peaceful relationship; not this God. And yet, I can't let go, grappling so tightly to the possibility that things can get better.
And whose fault is it? Is it mine, with my short temper and defensiveness, or his. With his sensitiveness and sharp accusatory tongue? Or is this just a sad combination that will not work out; unless I drastically change who I am?
Will I never be able to seek comfort in him, in feeling stability, in feeling presence, in feeling compatibility, in feeling serenity?
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