What the heck is wrong with me?

Mystery

I should stop playing mind games with myself.

Anw went to eat island creamery with KL! (Y)

Jc life, again.

So tired of life, again.

Just spent the entire night editing everyone's stuff for NUTS. CCA stuff done (Y) At least I finished everything.

Haven't done any of my schoolwork though. Things to do: Chem ionic equi tutorial, math 10A, 10B, 11, Chem revision package, Econs read lecture notes x2, ICS concept map and tutorial. fml.

It doesn't help that I accidentally slept for 3 hours just now, woke up and spent the rest of my time playing piano. Plus I can't fall asleep now. I feel like dying, seriously D:

I'm one screwed up person :(

Random post

2am and I can't sleep. Gotta say the blogger app on iPhone is quite good and I can post stuff as fast, or even quicker than if I use the computer.

Have been quite stressed out over Cca, piano and of course studies. Gotta Jiayou! I really hope that NUTS is a success. And that I can faster finish all the revision packages from last time de. I'm like doing last time work and not what's given at the present.

That's baddddddd jyjyjy. Not to mention lots of piano time everyday!

So stress I need some care :(

Okay it's 2am exactly. I need to pay attention during lecture and tutorials tomorrow, so... Cya!

What's this?

What's this? A mixture of frustration, fear, anticipation, excitement, worry, anxiety.

I seriously hate making one-sided conversations.

Reliance, dependence, fear.

You know people are really relying on you when you stop yourself from voicing out your insecurities and fears because people are depending on you, they trust you and for their sake you have to remain calm, controlled, as if you're certain things are going to be successful. Because they find solace in your calmness and are not worrying because you aren't.

For me, everything has a smell. The smell of stress, the smell of O levels, the smell of love, the smell of infatuation, the smell of rain, the smell of someone, the smell of sweat in NPCC, the smell of the sea

If you wanna get free, if you wanna do the passionate thing, if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart,own your name and stand up tall, get real and see the beauty in the ugly

I need to buck up. God, help me!

The theory of selfishness

Is it possible that all humankind is selfish? Maybe, we care because we need them so much if they cease, we will fall.

A lover sacrifices himself not because he cares for her, but rather, without her, his life is worthless. There's a difference.

Parents love their kid so much because it's additional security for their future, they need the kid for their future, to fill their days with happiness. They care for their kid because they've been through so much for their kid that if the kid dies, the parents lives will be adversely affected, all that energy and money and time wasted, all that empty days ahead so unfathomable. It isn't love for the kid, it's love for themselves.

Even a stranger, he saves lives, not because he cares, but because if e does not save that life, his life will be ruined knowing that he could have saved the other.

So are humans selfish ultimately?

In caring for someone, you only seek to care for yourself, whether directly or indirectly. In loving, you're loving yourself. Maybe selfishness has to exist for love and care to exist. Maybe.

After a long day just feel like hiding under my table and doing nothing. Just came back from bainian again and all my tutorials are still undone. Motivation, find me. God, help me!

I hate being someone I'm not. Pretending to like things I am not interested in.

xinhuitan94@gmail.com

Vulnerable

There was one night when i was tossing in bed because I couldnt sleep when my hand was resting on my heart. All of a sudden, I could hear my heart beating, my pulse pulsating through my body. Boom. Boom. Boom. I imagined my heart pumping blood with each beat to my body, that tiny piece of muscle. All of a sudden, I felt very vulnerable. I could die anytime. There was no time to waste! My heart could stop any second. It could be a malfunction. Anything. Boom. My heart beated again. Suddenly, my brain envisioned a scene at a hospital. At one bed, an old man was crying at the bedside of his loved one, praying for her survival. Life seemed so fickle, like it could end at anytime. The scenes switched. Now i visioned a party at USA (I've never been there before, anyway), people partying giving no regards to life. It struck me as odd at that time, how they don't realise how life, with one beat, can all be over. I spent the next 5 minutes or so listening to my heart.

Don't wanna move on to the stage of obsession.

Don't judge people, because each person has their own unique story that no one else will ever know.

But sometimes...its hard not to eh.

I was thinking about it. My CCA needs a revamp to attract more juniors!!! BUT WHAT?

School starts tomorrow. Lookin' forward to seeing all my friends :B

:)

Oh yeahhhh one of my New year resolutions is to stop lying too. Actually its a sin to lie so regardless of whether its a new year or not I'm gonna stop it =)

Why am I doing this to myself?

And, I hate it when people judge me for what I can or can't do.

Everything's screwed up.. Can't even find my revision package. Perhaps a bumpy start to a new year is what God is giving me to wake up.

I'm finding faults with my own life. I guess I'm gonna read my last good novel for the year until the end of As. (By good, I mean something thats thicker than at least 3 of my fingers..)

Love xoxo.

Didnt do much today. Improved my rs with God. that's all. Headache now. Slept at 6. And spent lots of time using the computer. Unproductive max. But..can't control myself ):

Just A Dream - Christina & Sam Tsui's cover
Forever & Always - Parachute
Bet on it - Zac Efron
Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars
Lighters - Bad Meets Evil
Cooler Than Me - Mike Poshner
Airplanes - Bob ft Hayley

Above All - Micheal W Smith

Verse 1
Above all powers
Above all kings
Above all nature
And all created things
Above all wisdom
And all the ways of man
You were here
Before the world began

Verse 2
Above all kingdoms
Above all thrones
Above all wonders
The world has ever known
Above all wealth
And treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure
What You're worth

CHORUS
Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

Verse 1
Above all powers
Above all kings
Above all nature
And all created things
Above all wisdom
And all the ways of man
You were here
Before the world began

Verse 2
Above all kingdoms
Above all thrones
Above all wonders
The world has ever known
Above all wealth
And treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure
What You're worth

CHORUS
Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

CHORUS
Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

Hi 2012.

So, here's 2012. Fresh new year. 2011 is over. hi 2011. I'm turning 18 this year. Woah. SCORE WELL IN A LEVELS. END (Actually I'm just too tired to write anymore, thats why. 2011 is the main point of the post anyway, 2012, God will guide me :))

Bye 2011. 2011 Reflections Post

*Added in more stuff when I remembered them ;x

As today is 1/1/12, omfg its a freaking new year alrd. I feel goddamn old. ):

O LEVELS RESULTS
I was praying that I wouldnt screw up. I wasn't really expecting much, just hoping that I could score enough to get into NJC. At the back of my heart, a tiny part of me was hoping that i would score well enough to get up on stage.

Praise God that I made it up there! That day was one of the happiest days of my life, to see all the mugging reap its rewards. Thank you God. Up till now, still kinda shocked. After all, I had my doubts... with higher chinese and MSP in particular, and all the science papers, i wasn't sure if I could make the mark of A1!

I remember coming back to school fresh from the class chalet, and then going to the toilet to freshen up and praying to God. Thanks for answering my prayers! May I continue and score well for A levels!


FIRST STEPS INTO COLLEGE LIFE
2011 has been a hectic, busy, stresful but most importantly, a new and fresh year for me. Refreshing, even. 2011 was the year (oh my, feels weird using "was" for 2011) where I first stepped into college. After hibernating at home (and having lots of fun) during the holidays. My first year in college. Wow. Junior college, but still college. I remember my first day stepping into Hwa Chong JC. Gawd ._. It was awkward cuz i didn't know anyone besides Gina. I wasn't a NY girl. I was like stepping into unknown territory. I remember being amazed by the... large campus. NHHS just paled in comparison, but of course, at that moment, NHHS seemed much preferred, familiar, and cosier.

ORIENTATION
The days passed and I had my college orientation session. Okay. I hate to be anti climatic, but it wasn't THAT fun for me. I mean, it was fun, but not mindblowingly, unforgettably fun. I mean, it was alright, the games and cheering and all. I didn't really click with my OG much. Like, i didn't really make any close friends from there. I barely even wave to my OG people now. Oh wait. Make that rarely. The cheering and games were alright I guess. But i distantly remember myself looking forward to lessons starting. I was skeptical even, that this was gonna be my most awesome college experience.

11S76
Fast forward, and I met my class. I remember stepping into B202 with much hesitation, to be greeted with Mr Liw's warm smile. I was like awkward~~~ LOL. Then i saw KL. It was like a twist of fate cuz i just met her that morning when i was late for school. (quite late luh. haha) :O I was relievedd that i knew someone. The days past and i realised that the people in my class were freaking nice :D Thank God. I was like praying that I would like my class, and phew. I did. With 11S76, I got to meet many awesome people (mostly girls though, lol. No pun intended. It was a purely observational sentence). For example, Xin Yi (LOL can't believe my first impression of her was that wow fierce girl confirm cnt get along. I was SO wrong.), Julia, Jiawen (PW strengthens all bonds), and the other girls are all so awesome. Its like no cliques (I seriously hate cliques). LOL.

FAC DANCE
Was awesome. Nice dancing with Ares and hanging out around serene center's macdonalds with S76. :)

Learning
Lectures, tutorials, everything. I remember struggling to keep up with the harsh school workload. My body and my learning style was NOT meant for lectures. I'm a visual person, which made every hour spent in lectures actually a *gulp* waste of time. I spent a LOT of time sleeping in class, because everything was freaking boring. I even made a name for myself for being the no. 1 sleeping person. My body just couldnt cope. the half hour busride to and back. I hate busrides. Back in secondary school, all i had to do was walk home. Everything changed. I was confused, and most importantly, tired out. Up till now, I have problems adapting to the teaching methods. What saved me was the many online platforms.

CCA/ CIP/ Other Committments
So orientation was over, and as the school campus became increasingly familiar (though me and KL still kept being lost like..everytime there's an unfamiliar classroom that wasnt in block A or block B), it was time to make choices. Ever since I stepped into HC, it was signing up for this, volunteering for that. Getting involved. Joining stuff. Emb was ALWAYS feeled with opportunities. So being the freshfaced J1, i was like woooahh. Back in NHHS, we seldom had opportunities, and even if we had some, it was always only for a select few, and never just opened to anyone who was interested.

Since day 1, when we were pushed to join SMTP, i was like whut? so soon? I barely can even find my way to the auditorium (where everyone had to congregate and listen to massloads of lectures which were the most boring crap and waste of time ever, i didn't even learn anything -.-). Other than SMTP, there was also selection tests for KI, HP and countless other courses which required. We also had CCA walk about (CCA extravaganza equivalant). I had problems choosing which CCA i wanted. Cuz there was too many to choose from, and too many factors. Being someone who never liked a CCA in my life, I was determined not to make the same mistakes again. I went for trials for Geog soc. Yeah. Time was on my side, though at that time, it certainly didn't feel like it.

I joined Astro, Green Club, Panorama and YLEP (Youth leaders excutive programme or something like this, which does CIP stuff). Well. As mentioned above, i didn't have enough time to study. For myself. Everything was a mess, though i was actively involved in lots of random stuff. I had to go for interviews for YLEP, and i had to submit some essay thang to prove that my england was good enough to write for the school's magazine. Later on, when green council was open for recruitment, i thought why not? And when to the interview, and got in.

Dropping YLEP
However, I later realised that my grades were like going PHHOOOSH down and i was always tired. Astrochallenge was sapping away all my time, and also my effort. For the first time, i realised that woah. Maybe I'm not that smart after all. I was struggling. Still struggling, actually. I dropped YLEP, because actually, i wasn't really going for their session anyway. And i slowly realised that their "CIP" they do was kinda useless. Peer tutoring was spent stoning at kent ridge secondary waiting for kids to ask me questions. I felt that I could do more with my time. I mean I really love helping kids and stuff, but just sitting down WAITING wasnt my idea of doing CIP. The meet the people session? It was refreshing, realising that there were many underprivileged people in Singapore. But i felt useless. I couldnt do anything to help. All we could do was... hang around while the "real" volunteers typed their letters for the MP to sign. In my opinion, we were kinda just taking up space. We were learning, but not helping. And definitely not making any sort of difference. The trigger was when the people at YLEP started threatening to kick out people who were not going regularly. Apparently, I was not the only one who felt that the session was not meaningful. So, i made the decision and sent a lengthy email (Sigh. Even after quitting, I just had to send email to tell them how to improve. Can't I ever just mind my own business and not care about others/:) telling them why and what can be improved. And they did follow some of my suggestions. I'm glad they did /:

The Astro Journey
Throughout the months, it became more and more apparent that Astro was gonna be my main CCA. Which was ironic, actually, because my brain was never really fit for the likes of science. If anything, the only reason why i joined astro because I found the seniors weirdly eccentric in a good way. They were friendly, but not fake. Funny in their own special way. Dedicated, but not in a hurry to shove it in your face that they are. I could see the genuinity in them. And well, I'm glad i joined it because CCA sessions were actually quite fun, people wise. My batch mates were awesome too. With astro, I met people like Yiying. I even got to know people like Heng Chun, Jason, Eiros. Guys I wouldnt get a chance to talk to much in normal circumstances. Funny, but genuine.

Astrochallenge was PAINFUL. Seriously. Although i hate to say this, i am nowhere as smart as the rest of the team, with the likes of YY and HC. It was the hell time, forcing myself to study stuff that I couldnt retain. It wasnt fun at all but it did bring me closer to seniors like Jonathan, who seems like God's gift from heaven to lend me emotional support throughout my journey this year. Although we haven't been talking much now. Which is all my fault ): ._. It was a painful journey and i remember spending alot of time trying to mug for stuff which I have clean forgotten now. Every Wed and Fri, if I'm not wrong. It did however allowed me to know my sernios and the AC team much better.

The June holidays was entirely spent on astro challenge, for the first 2 weeks. In the end, we didn't even make it to the finals. Allowing us to be the first ever team to make (bad) history. Well, I was disappointed. But a part of me was glad. Can't believe I felt that, but i didnt realise it until I reached home. For if we made it into the finals, I was AFRAID that I couldnt help my team much because the questions were supposed to be harder.

We were all very disappointed, especially Jonathan and desmond. The team + J went to WCP to relax and forget. I thought it was rather cool, how bonded we were. I mean, i wasnt particularly close to Elsa and Felicia, or Heng Chun actually. Not gossip close, or anything. We got on well, but I couldnt fathom us to become best friends. However, I realised that our team was unique, in a way, shaped by all the crap AC put us through.

Painful but meaningful. If I could rewind back, and I could choose again whether I would join AC, I most definitely would. From the first day of AC training (where I went in classically late, lol, because I was eating pizzahut and lost track of time), to the very last day of AC which ended up in WCP, it was a fruitful journey... not to mention fun at some points LOL. Even if it meant that my grades sucked. I didn't have enough time for anything else...it was all worth it. Really worth it. Especially getting to know my seniors and the team more (Y).

Chairmanship
Which leads me to well, elections. As the days and weeks past, the thing about EXCOship became more and more apparent to me, in the different CCAs I was in. I mean, i've always known EXCO was thr, for thats how the different CCAs functioned. But well, it never dawned on me to apply for one. Astro was the first CCA to call for applications. Everyone around me was applying for it... Jonathan asked me to go for it. I was like..whut. Okay lor, apply lor. I would never in 1000 years vision myself as president. For the simple fact that I had close to NIL knowledge on astro. My only interest was the nightsky. There was like, many other people who had so much more experience than me in terms of how long they've been in the club, or what they knew. I knew next to nothing. All i had was that I could get along well with the seniors, and I treasured my friends in astro alot. I liked the people, and maybe, just maybe, I had a little more leadership(?) skills, or maybe it was committment. I've no idea. Anyway I became chairperson, though I applied for VP and secretary I think. I was like.... And a little guilty also, because there were others who really wanted the position. The disappointment. It was never said, but I felt it. They wanted it. I on the other hand, never wanted it, but got it. That felt kind of unfair, but I thanked God for it, for the opportunity.

EXCO
The months past, my EXCO was Meiyin, YY, HC as VP, YQ, Jason. It was and will be a freaking hard journey for us. We were a dynamic group. We had our strengths and weaknesses. I mean, just look at me. I have my weaknesses, though I won't exactly be parading it around in this public blog because it isn't that good huh. Heng Chun aptly summarised his attitude of VP-ship with the sentence "I will do my duties as Vicechairperson, but nothing more." I was like ._... Okay.. That means I gg.com. LOL. Right now, we're planning (though it kinda has been stilted planning) for next year. Up till now, I have problems calling the EXCO to do stuff as ONE exco. Even me and HC have had our own sets of petty arguments. (Am i that GL in my tone... I never realised.) I can't help but feel that people are in the EXCO because they're in it. Or maybe life just gets in the way. I can't help but notice that people like YQ has been flooded by stuff to do... while other members of the EXCO literally do nothing much as compared to others... Idk and its really so complicated. In between everyhing else that's going on in my life, managing a CCA (and well, here's the worse part, being accountable for anything thats gonna go wrong) seems... wow. But I'm doing it. And like it or not, I WILL be doing it. I'll count on God's strength and the Holy Spirit in me to do it!

Mugging like a dog
By the end of block tests, my results were the worse ever. I was crestfallen and bitterly disappointed. I realised, that I was kinda screwed. With AC out of the way, I still felt kinda busy. That was around the time when i became chairperson, and also the time when I decided to drop YLEP. I decided not to apply for anymore EXCO. (although portfolio wise, it was kinda tempting... double EXCOship. But then I'm not one of those portfolio geekheads who are obsessed with it. ._.)

I spent more time focusing on my studies. I cut off most of my committments, emotionally. Although I did join Green council. I decided to focus. To my horror, i realised that syllabus was freaking hard. I was not a genius, and I made it into HC purely by hardwork. Stressed. The days leading to the promotional examinations were extremely tiring. I started studying quite early, because i knew i had loads to revise and catch up on. I was so tired. I had no time to myself.

OCIP
I signed up for OCIP, and it was the best decision ever. I learnt loads from the trip, it opened my eyes really widely, and i realised alot of things, gained lots of things and went through lots of experiences I would never have been through in my life. It was awesomely sensational. The 10 days was worth everything. I learnt many things, even through the planning and being IC of logistics for the entire trip and for everyone. It wasnt extremely taxing, but it did add to the stuff i had to do, especially when it was nearing promos.

The 10 days however (or should i say those feel days at the site) was really really really really really really really really fruitful. I learnt MANY things which can never be mentioned adequately in this blogpost alone. I emerged a stronger, more appreciative person. I learnt to appreciate, to love, to everything. I also learnt not to care so much about not showering. (fine, laugh hahha I said that cuz i havent showered yet LOL). I had fun, I froze at night, to the extent I didn't dare to take my hand out of my glove to take my jacket which was next to me. I shitted in a shithole filled with other people's shit dug from the mud. I played with the liveliest children I've ever seen in my life. I did the most construction work I've ever done in my life. The food I ate was at a table where I had to bend my back so much, with only mainly vegetables, yet at that point the food tasted so awesome. I coudnt drink from the taps. I had to brush teeth in the public with a hole dug from the mud. It was awesome.

HK/ Macau
I came home and 2 days later, went for the HK/Macau trip with my family. it was great, finally bonding with my family. Obviously, I didn't spend enough time with them during the school year..... so many different committments, i was always in my own room with the door closed OR screaming at my siblings to keep quiet... Disney land was magical, although I'm alrd 17. everything was cool, an eyeopener.

Christmas crafts, New Year Joys
Sometime in term3, I sat in soghurt with KL to plan our very own SL project. I was like all excited to work it out. We had a fruitful discussion..which later died off due to our busy schedules. I mean, we were talking about it still, but I didn't really get down to do anything much. The real planning started again during the holidays and we started contacing organizations. Some time before, Linette joined the team. We ended up successful beyond our wildest imaginations, and ended up doing 3 CIP projects instead of 1. it was awesome. and meaningful.

November/ December holidays
Apart from the 18 days overseas, and a 5 day stay in Aloha Changi chalet with my family and relatives (so that's 23 days, or 3 weeks equivalent), I spent the rest of my time slacking. 2011 left so little time for myself, i barely had time to read. I spent lots of time gaming, doing nothing fruitful. Slacking. Sleeping at 3am and waking up at 3pm. (Still doing so now.) Thats all really. Bye 2011.

Other stuff: 6F BBQ, Class outing, Class BBQ, Faculty outing, All the random meetups with friends, Last Day of J1, First Mid Autumn at HCJC, Teachers Day, Festival of Sports, Astronomy Conference, The freaking PW journey which pulled me to my limits, SABBATICALS, Class GEMS, Astro buffet, Clean and green week (Pub IC), Astro's June Overseas Trip @ Bintan (Or was it batam LOL), Be yourself day @ HCJC, Astro's "handover" ceremony, NHHS's Speech day, ASTRIGUE 2011, Ares Faculty CIP, Going to Mrs Lew's house for CNY, CNY celebrations with my family, and many more.


PRAISE GOD FOR 2011, MAY 2012 BE A BETTER YEAR!

Bye 2011, Hi 2012.

Spent yesterday night, (or this morning) with YT MY Joyce (the gang.)

Met the guys at pioneer mall. Walked to pioneer mrt. Took mrt, and then stayed out at Marina Bay (the sg flyer area) to countdown and watch the fireworks. Started camwhoring/ talking/ complaining and shortly after the fireworks (8 mins worth of fireworks (Y)), walked around (lots of crowd!) we took bus 97 to vivo and then ate macs at a random grasspatch cum pavement area.

Joked and chatted. By then it was about 2am and then we realised the last mrt was a goner. hoho. There were party people everywhr trying to flag down cabs and the lines to dial a cab were all full. We then decided to walk and walk to ks all the people flagging cabs before we finally managed to flag one at 3am. Reached home at 3.35am and then crashed, but not before reviewing all my photos and feeling happy :D

May not be much but for a 17 year old kiddo like me, it was damn freaking fun. My parents didn't say anything the next morning too. Awesum.

(Didn't feel so happy when i woke up at 4pm today though HAHA)