I was just sitting on the bus thinking about how life is busy...but empty...
Then when the bus reached clementi mrt, I suddenly realised that the person next to me, who needed to go out... was half bald, you know, when you just had chemo and your hair is just starting to grow out.
And yet she tried to make herself presentable, wearing a hairband, bold and striking clothes, despite her greying hair and tired face. Why is it that people like her can face so much adversity in the eye and still be able to live life with peace while us, frantic students from an elite school, complain everyday about insignificant troubles like homework, tutorials and such?
And there it was, that sudden wave of relief, or perhaps, its a sudden wave of appreciation, that I'm not the one with eyes that can't see the beauty of the world, ears that can't hear the sound of waves on the beach, or hear the drops of rain hitting the pavements, or maybe the inability to speak, to effect influence on people around me just with a few words... Thanking God, fate, or whatever, that I'm not the one that can't walk, can't run, can't jump, can't feel the freedom of movement...
But yet, I can't help but feel frustrated, even bitter - why am i so busy, but so empty? Insecurities, commitments, expectations, weariness... It's time to admit - I'm not a happy go lucky kind of person, but I can't understand why I can't look at the bigger picture sometimes, maybe I should just be contented, be satisfied with my 2 Bs for Blocktests. However, I can't help but feel just a little bit of disappointment, after all, I've never gotten more than 2 Bs for like ever since... sec 1?
I guess it's time to admit that I am not exactly the smartest brain in this elite, influential school. But it's also time to admit that I've grown much over these 7 months. The Xin hui that entered Hwa Chong is definitely different from the one typing this now..... Through this 7 months, I've done so many things, felt so much, laughed so much, screamed in frustration so many countless times, made new friends, lost some old ones, learned how to be strong by myself, learnt how systems work, to adapt myself from the cosy and playful feeling of NH to one where people brisk walk to school, people spend breaks studying hard and not playing ball or playing taptap, where you throw a stone and it probably hits someone with an IQ that surpasses mine, a school where everyone seems to have their own niche - whether it's studies, music, sports, art etc. You name it, HC has it...
The feeling is so different, but good at the same time. Gone are the days of idle chatter at the canteen, gone are the days where you just walk to the canteen for the fun of it and back to stalk people. Here comes the days where portfolio means everything - people join stuff to gain credentials, where everyone within a 10 mile radius of you has their life impeccably packed up, filled with stuff, full of commitments. Everything felt so surreal, so different, when you walk into school, you see people deep in discussions, planning SL projects, doing tutorials, revising for lectures... People don't read story books, they read Times, they read the Economists...
And yet, I owe it all to HC to have given me countless opportunities, albeit off the academic field. Ironically, research didn't appeal to me at all, and weirdly, I'm actually doing not so well for studies as compared to other activities. I'm so used to getting all A1s, and studying nearly all the time, it's kind of surreal...getting a B. I suppose I deserve it though, I perfectly understand and my grades are perfectly explainable - CCAs take up the bulk of my time, planning for them the other half, discussing with my friends about project work, SL projects, proposals and what not, they're so time-consuming, but at the same times, strangely enriching at the same time. True, I no longer have enough time for myself, I don't have time to read, to watch the TV, even to sleep, sometimes to eat, I don't do tutorials until the very last minute, or sometimes, I don't even do them at all...... I suppose my grades are a disaster waiting to happen.
But life is life, and I suppose life goes on, I'm still gonna miss the cheery old days in NH, but at the same time, it's about time I start embracing the hectic, fast paced, but enriching and memorable days in HC instead :)
