my blog ;D

2012-02-11T00:11:00.001+08:00

I'm getting depressed again /:

2012-02-04T16:16:00.001+08:00

Im losing it

2012-02-02T21:43:00.001+08:00

Dear God, please please please let people come to NUTS!

Priorities: Astro until 8th feb, piano until 16th feb. Please bless me I love you God! Praise!

2012-02-01T00:56:00.001+08:00

Despite all the stuff, my life is awesome and I wouldn't swap places with anyone.

2012-01-31T23:21:00.001+08:00

What the heck is wrong with me?

Mystery

2012-01-31T15:38:00.001+08:00

I should stop playing mind games with myself.

Anw went to eat island creamery with KL! (Y)

Jc life, again.

2012-01-31T02:25:00.001+08:00

So tired of life, again.

Just spent the entire night editing everyone's stuff for NUTS. CCA stuff done (Y) At least I finished everything.

Haven't done any of my schoolwork though. Things to do: Chem ionic equi tutorial, math 10A, 10B, 11, Chem revision package, Econs read lecture notes x2, ICS concept map and tutorial. fml.

It doesn't help that I accidentally slept for 3 hours just now, woke up and spent the rest of my time playing piano. Plus I can't fall asleep now. I feel like dying, seriously D:

2012-01-31T02:00:00.001+08:00

I'm one screwed up person :(

Random post

2012-01-30T01:57:00.001+08:00

2am and I can't sleep. Gotta say the blogger app on iPhone is quite good and I can post stuff as fast, or even quicker than if I use the computer.

Have been quite stressed out over Cca, piano and of course studies. Gotta Jiayou! I really hope that NUTS is a success. And that I can faster finish all the revision packages from last time de. I'm like doing last time work and not what's given at the present.

That's baddddddd jyjyjy. Not to mention lots of piano time everyday!

So stress I need some care :(

Okay it's 2am exactly. I need to pay attention during lecture and tutorials tomorrow, so... Cya!

What's this?

2012-01-29T23:50:00.001+08:00

What's this? A mixture of frustration, fear, anticipation, excitement, worry, anxiety.

2012-01-29T00:10:00.001+08:00

I seriously hate making one-sided conversations.

Reliance, dependence, fear.

2012-01-28T19:03:00.001+08:00

You know people are really relying on you when you stop yourself from voicing out your insecurities and fears because people are depending on you, they trust you and for their sake you have to remain calm, controlled, as if you're certain things are going to be successful. Because they find solace in your calmness and are not worrying because you aren't.

2012-01-26T23:27:00.001+08:00

For me, everything has a smell. The smell of stress, the smell of O levels, the smell of love, the smell of infatuation, the smell of rain, the smell of someone, the smell of sweat in NPCC, the smell of the sea

2012-01-25T07:24:00.001+08:00

If you wanna get free, if you wanna do the passionate thing, if you wanna get smart for the sake of your heart,own your name and stand up tall, get real and see the beauty in the ugly

2012-01-24T23:33:00.001+08:00

I need to buck up. God, help me!

The theory of selfishness

2012-01-24T22:57:00.001+08:00

Is it possible that all humankind is selfish? Maybe, we care because we need them so much if they cease, we will fall.

A lover sacrifices himself not because he cares for her, but rather, without her, his life is worthless. There's a difference.

Parents love their kid so much because it's additional security for their future, they need the kid for their future, to fill their days with happiness. They care for their kid because they've been through so much for their kid that if the kid dies, the parents lives will be adversely affected, all that energy and money and time wasted, all that empty days ahead so unfathomable. It isn't love for the kid, it's love for themselves.

Even a stranger, he saves lives, not because he cares, but because if e does not save that life, his life will be ruined knowing that he could have saved the other.

So are humans selfish ultimately?

In caring for someone, you only seek to care for yourself, whether directly or indirectly. In loving, you're loving yourself. Maybe selfishness has to exist for love and care to exist. Maybe.

2012-01-24T22:37:00.001+08:00

After a long day just feel like hiding under my table and doing nothing. Just came back from bainian again and all my tutorials are still undone. Motivation, find me. God, help me!

2012-01-23T02:28:00.002+08:00

I hate being someone I'm not. Pretending to like things I am not interested in.

2012-01-23T00:36:00.001+08:00

xinhuitan94@gmail.com

Vulnerable

2012-01-20T17:36:00.000+08:00

There was one night when i was tossing in bed because I couldnt sleep when my hand was resting on my heart. All of a sudden, I could hear my heart beating, my pulse pulsating through my body. Boom. Boom. Boom. I imagined my heart pumping blood with each beat to my body, that tiny piece of muscle. All of a sudden, I felt very vulnerable. I could die anytime. There was no time to waste! My heart could stop any second. It could be a malfunction. Anything. Boom. My heart beated again. Suddenly, my brain envisioned a scene at a hospital. At one bed, an old man was crying at the bedside of his loved one, praying for her survival. Life seemed so fickle, like it could end at anytime. The scenes switched. Now i visioned a party at USA (I've never been there before, anyway), people partying giving no regards to life. It struck me as odd at that time, how they don't realise how life, with one beat, can all be over. I spent the next 5 minutes or so listening to my heart.

2012-01-16T21:01:00.003+08:00

Don't wanna move on to the stage of obsession.

2012-01-14T01:56:00.003+08:00

Don't judge people, because each person has their own unique story that no one else will ever know.

But sometimes...its hard not to eh.

2012-01-09T01:16:00.001+08:00

I was thinking about it. My CCA needs a revamp to attract more juniors!!! BUT WHAT?

2012-01-09T00:52:00.002+08:00

School starts tomorrow. Lookin' forward to seeing all my friends :B

:)

Oh yeahhhh one of my New year resolutions is to stop lying too. Actually its a sin to lie so regardless of whether its a new year or not I'm gonna stop it =)

2012-01-06T22:04:00.002+08:00

Why am I doing this to myself?

And, I hate it when people judge me for what I can or can't do.

Everything's screwed up.. Can't even find my revision package. Perhaps a bumpy start to a new year is what God is giving me to wake up.

I'm finding faults with my own life. I guess I'm gonna read my last good novel for the year until the end of As. (By good, I mean something thats thicker than at least 3 of my fingers..)

Love xoxo.

2012-01-02T22:09:00.002+08:00

Didnt do much today. Improved my rs with God. that's all. Headache now. Slept at 6. And spent lots of time using the computer. Unproductive max. But..can't control myself ):

2012-01-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

Just A Dream - Christina & Sam Tsui's cover
Forever & Always - Parachute
Bet on it - Zac Efron
Just The Way You Are - Bruno Mars
Lighters - Bad Meets Evil
Cooler Than Me - Mike Poshner
Airplanes - Bob ft Hayley

Above All - Micheal W Smith

2012-01-02T17:08:00.000+08:00

Verse 1
Above all powers
Above all kings
Above all nature
And all created things
Above all wisdom
And all the ways of man
You were here
Before the world began

Verse 2
Above all kingdoms
Above all thrones
Above all wonders
The world has ever known
Above all wealth
And treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure
What You're worth

CHORUS
Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

Verse 1
Above all powers
Above all kings
Above all nature
And all created things
Above all wisdom
And all the ways of man
You were here
Before the world began

Verse 2
Above all kingdoms
Above all thrones
Above all wonders
The world has ever known
Above all wealth
And treasures of the earth
There's no way to measure
What You're worth

CHORUS
Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

CHORUS
Crucified
Laid behind a stone
You lived to die
Rejected and alone
Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

Like a rose
Trampled on the ground
You took the fall
And thought of me
Above all

Hi 2012.

2012-01-01T22:50:00.000+08:00

So, here's 2012. Fresh new year. 2011 is over. hi 2011. I'm turning 18 this year. Woah. SCORE WELL IN A LEVELS. END (Actually I'm just too tired to write anymore, thats why. 2011 is the main point of the post anyway, 2012, God will guide me :))

Bye 2011. 2011 Reflections Post

2012-01-01T19:33:00.000+08:00

*Added in more stuff when I remembered them ;x

As today is 1/1/12, omfg its a freaking new year alrd. I feel goddamn old. ):

O LEVELS RESULTS
I was praying that I wouldnt screw up. I wasn't really expecting much, just hoping that I could score enough to get into NJC. At the back of my heart, a tiny part of me was hoping that i would score well enough to get up on stage.

Praise God that I made it up there! That day was one of the happiest days of my life, to see all the mugging reap its rewards. Thank you God. Up till now, still kinda shocked. After all, I had my doubts... with higher chinese and MSP in particular, and all the science papers, i wasn't sure if I could make the mark of A1!

I remember coming back to school fresh from the class chalet, and then going to the toilet to freshen up and praying to God. Thanks for answering my prayers! May I continue and score well for A levels!

FIRST STEPS INTO COLLEGE LIFE
2011 has been a hectic, busy, stresful but most importantly, a new and fresh year for me. Refreshing, even. 2011 was the year (oh my, feels weird using "was" for 2011) where I first stepped into college. After hibernating at home (and having lots of fun) during the holidays. My first year in college. Wow. Junior college, but still college. I remember my first day stepping into Hwa Chong JC. Gawd ._. It was awkward cuz i didn't know anyone besides Gina. I wasn't a NY girl. I was like stepping into unknown territory. I remember being amazed by the... large campus. NHHS just paled in comparison, but of course, at that moment, NHHS seemed much preferred, familiar, and cosier.

ORIENTATION
The days passed and I had my college orientation session. Okay. I hate to be anti climatic, but it wasn't THAT fun for me. I mean, it was fun, but not mindblowingly, unforgettably fun. I mean, it was alright, the games and cheering and all. I didn't really click with my OG much. Like, i didn't really make any close friends from there. I barely even wave to my OG people now. Oh wait. Make that rarely. The cheering and games were alright I guess. But i distantly remember myself looking forward to lessons starting. I was skeptical even, that this was gonna be my most awesome college experience.

11S76
Fast forward, and I met my class. I remember stepping into B202 with much hesitation, to be greeted with Mr Liw's warm smile. I was like awkward~~~ LOL. Then i saw KL. It was like a twist of fate cuz i just met her that morning when i was late for school. (quite late luh. haha) :O I was relievedd that i knew someone. The days past and i realised that the people in my class were freaking nice :D Thank God. I was like praying that I would like my class, and phew. I did. With 11S76, I got to meet many awesome people (mostly girls though, lol. No pun intended. It was a purely observational sentence). For example, Xin Yi (LOL can't believe my first impression of her was that wow fierce girl confirm cnt get along. I was SO wrong.), Julia, Jiawen (PW strengthens all bonds), and the other girls are all so awesome. Its like no cliques (I seriously hate cliques). LOL.

FAC DANCE
Was awesome. Nice dancing with Ares and hanging out around serene center's macdonalds with S76. :)

Learning
Lectures, tutorials, everything. I remember struggling to keep up with the harsh school workload. My body and my learning style was NOT meant for lectures. I'm a visual person, which made every hour spent in lectures actually a *gulp* waste of time. I spent a LOT of time sleeping in class, because everything was freaking boring. I even made a name for myself for being the no. 1 sleeping person. My body just couldnt cope. the half hour busride to and back. I hate busrides. Back in secondary school, all i had to do was walk home. Everything changed. I was confused, and most importantly, tired out. Up till now, I have problems adapting to the teaching methods. What saved me was the many online platforms.

CCA/ CIP/ Other Committments
So orientation was over, and as the school campus became increasingly familiar (though me and KL still kept being lost like..everytime there's an unfamiliar classroom that wasnt in block A or block B), it was time to make choices. Ever since I stepped into HC, it was signing up for this, volunteering for that. Getting involved. Joining stuff. Emb was ALWAYS feeled with opportunities. So being the freshfaced J1, i was like woooahh. Back in NHHS, we seldom had opportunities, and even if we had some, it was always only for a select few, and never just opened to anyone who was interested.

Since day 1, when we were pushed to join SMTP, i was like whut? so soon? I barely can even find my way to the auditorium (where everyone had to congregate and listen to massloads of lectures which were the most boring crap and waste of time ever, i didn't even learn anything -.-). Other than SMTP, there was also selection tests for KI, HP and countless other courses which required. We also had CCA walk about (CCA extravaganza equivalant). I had problems choosing which CCA i wanted. Cuz there was too many to choose from, and too many factors. Being someone who never liked a CCA in my life, I was determined not to make the same mistakes again. I went for trials for Geog soc. Yeah. Time was on my side, though at that time, it certainly didn't feel like it.

I joined Astro, Green Club, Panorama and YLEP (Youth leaders excutive programme or something like this, which does CIP stuff). Well. As mentioned above, i didn't have enough time to study. For myself. Everything was a mess, though i was actively involved in lots of random stuff. I had to go for interviews for YLEP, and i had to submit some essay thang to prove that my england was good enough to write for the school's magazine. Later on, when green council was open for recruitment, i thought why not? And when to the interview, and got in.

Dropping YLEP
However, I later realised that my grades were like going PHHOOOSH down and i was always tired. Astrochallenge was sapping away all my time, and also my effort. For the first time, i realised that woah. Maybe I'm not that smart after all. I was struggling. Still struggling, actually. I dropped YLEP, because actually, i wasn't really going for their session anyway. And i slowly realised that their "CIP" they do was kinda useless. Peer tutoring was spent stoning at kent ridge secondary waiting for kids to ask me questions. I felt that I could do more with my time. I mean I really love helping kids and stuff, but just sitting down WAITING wasnt my idea of doing CIP. The meet the people session? It was refreshing, realising that there were many underprivileged people in Singapore. But i felt useless. I couldnt do anything to help. All we could do was... hang around while the "real" volunteers typed their letters for the MP to sign. In my opinion, we were kinda just taking up space. We were learning, but not helping. And definitely not making any sort of difference. The trigger was when the people at YLEP started threatening to kick out people who were not going regularly. Apparently, I was not the only one who felt that the session was not meaningful. So, i made the decision and sent a lengthy email (Sigh. Even after quitting, I just had to send email to tell them how to improve. Can't I ever just mind my own business and not care about others/:) telling them why and what can be improved. And they did follow some of my suggestions. I'm glad they did /:

The Astro Journey
Throughout the months, it became more and more apparent that Astro was gonna be my main CCA. Which was ironic, actually, because my brain was never really fit for the likes of science. If anything, the only reason why i joined astro because I found the seniors weirdly eccentric in a good way. They were friendly, but not fake. Funny in their own special way. Dedicated, but not in a hurry to shove it in your face that they are. I could see the genuinity in them. And well, I'm glad i joined it because CCA sessions were actually quite fun, people wise. My batch mates were awesome too. With astro, I met people like Yiying. I even got to know people like Heng Chun, Jason, Eiros. Guys I wouldnt get a chance to talk to much in normal circumstances. Funny, but genuine.

Astrochallenge was PAINFUL. Seriously. Although i hate to say this, i am nowhere as smart as the rest of the team, with the likes of YY and HC. It was the hell time, forcing myself to study stuff that I couldnt retain. It wasnt fun at all but it did bring me closer to seniors like Jonathan, who seems like God's gift from heaven to lend me emotional support throughout my journey this year. Although we haven't been talking much now. Which is all my fault ): ._. It was a painful journey and i remember spending alot of time trying to mug for stuff which I have clean forgotten now. Every Wed and Fri, if I'm not wrong. It did however allowed me to know my sernios and the AC team much better.

The June holidays was entirely spent on astro challenge, for the first 2 weeks. In the end, we didn't even make it to the finals. Allowing us to be the first ever team to make (bad) history. Well, I was disappointed. But a part of me was glad. Can't believe I felt that, but i didnt realise it until I reached home. For if we made it into the finals, I was AFRAID that I couldnt help my team much because the questions were supposed to be harder.

We were all very disappointed, especially Jonathan and desmond. The team + J went to WCP to relax and forget. I thought it was rather cool, how bonded we were. I mean, i wasnt particularly close to Elsa and Felicia, or Heng Chun actually. Not gossip close, or anything. We got on well, but I couldnt fathom us to become best friends. However, I realised that our team was unique, in a way, shaped by all the crap AC put us through.

Painful but meaningful. If I could rewind back, and I could choose again whether I would join AC, I most definitely would. From the first day of AC training (where I went in classically late, lol, because I was eating pizzahut and lost track of time), to the very last day of AC which ended up in WCP, it was a fruitful journey... not to mention fun at some points LOL. Even if it meant that my grades sucked. I didn't have enough time for anything else...it was all worth it. Really worth it. Especially getting to know my seniors and the team more (Y).

Chairmanship
Which leads me to well, elections. As the days and weeks past, the thing about EXCOship became more and more apparent to me, in the different CCAs I was in. I mean, i've always known EXCO was thr, for thats how the different CCAs functioned. But well, it never dawned on me to apply for one. Astro was the first CCA to call for applications. Everyone around me was applying for it... Jonathan asked me to go for it. I was like..whut. Okay lor, apply lor. I would never in 1000 years vision myself as president. For the simple fact that I had close to NIL knowledge on astro. My only interest was the nightsky. There was like, many other people who had so much more experience than me in terms of how long they've been in the club, or what they knew. I knew next to nothing. All i had was that I could get along well with the seniors, and I treasured my friends in astro alot. I liked the people, and maybe, just maybe, I had a little more leadership(?) skills, or maybe it was committment. I've no idea. Anyway I became chairperson, though I applied for VP and secretary I think. I was like.... And a little guilty also, because there were others who really wanted the position. The disappointment. It was never said, but I felt it. They wanted it. I on the other hand, never wanted it, but got it. That felt kind of unfair, but I thanked God for it, for the opportunity.

EXCO
The months past, my EXCO was Meiyin, YY, HC as VP, YQ, Jason. It was and will be a freaking hard journey for us. We were a dynamic group. We had our strengths and weaknesses. I mean, just look at me. I have my weaknesses, though I won't exactly be parading it around in this public blog because it isn't that good huh. Heng Chun aptly summarised his attitude of VP-ship with the sentence "I will do my duties as Vicechairperson, but nothing more." I was like ._... Okay.. That means I gg.com. LOL. Right now, we're planning (though it kinda has been stilted planning) for next year. Up till now, I have problems calling the EXCO to do stuff as ONE exco. Even me and HC have had our own sets of petty arguments. (Am i that GL in my tone... I never realised.) I can't help but feel that people are in the EXCO because they're in it. Or maybe life just gets in the way. I can't help but notice that people like YQ has been flooded by stuff to do... while other members of the EXCO literally do nothing much as compared to others... Idk and its really so complicated. In between everyhing else that's going on in my life, managing a CCA (and well, here's the worse part, being accountable for anything thats gonna go wrong) seems... wow. But I'm doing it. And like it or not, I WILL be doing it. I'll count on God's strength and the Holy Spirit in me to do it!

Mugging like a dog
By the end of block tests, my results were the worse ever. I was crestfallen and bitterly disappointed. I realised, that I was kinda screwed. With AC out of the way, I still felt kinda busy. That was around the time when i became chairperson, and also the time when I decided to drop YLEP. I decided not to apply for anymore EXCO. (although portfolio wise, it was kinda tempting... double EXCOship. But then I'm not one of those portfolio geekheads who are obsessed with it. ._.)

I spent more time focusing on my studies. I cut off most of my committments, emotionally. Although I did join Green council. I decided to focus. To my horror, i realised that syllabus was freaking hard. I was not a genius, and I made it into HC purely by hardwork. Stressed. The days leading to the promotional examinations were extremely tiring. I started studying quite early, because i knew i had loads to revise and catch up on. I was so tired. I had no time to myself.

OCIP
I signed up for OCIP, and it was the best decision ever. I learnt loads from the trip, it opened my eyes really widely, and i realised alot of things, gained lots of things and went through lots of experiences I would never have been through in my life. It was awesomely sensational. The 10 days was worth everything. I learnt many things, even through the planning and being IC of logistics for the entire trip and for everyone. It wasnt extremely taxing, but it did add to the stuff i had to do, especially when it was nearing promos.

The 10 days however (or should i say those feel days at the site) was really really really really really really really really fruitful. I learnt MANY things which can never be mentioned adequately in this blogpost alone. I emerged a stronger, more appreciative person. I learnt to appreciate, to love, to everything. I also learnt not to care so much about not showering. (fine, laugh hahha I said that cuz i havent showered yet LOL). I had fun, I froze at night, to the extent I didn't dare to take my hand out of my glove to take my jacket which was next to me. I shitted in a shithole filled with other people's shit dug from the mud. I played with the liveliest children I've ever seen in my life. I did the most construction work I've ever done in my life. The food I ate was at a table where I had to bend my back so much, with only mainly vegetables, yet at that point the food tasted so awesome. I coudnt drink from the taps. I had to brush teeth in the public with a hole dug from the mud. It was awesome.

HK/ Macau
I came home and 2 days later, went for the HK/Macau trip with my family. it was great, finally bonding with my family. Obviously, I didn't spend enough time with them during the school year..... so many different committments, i was always in my own room with the door closed OR screaming at my siblings to keep quiet... Disney land was magical, although I'm alrd 17. everything was cool, an eyeopener.

Christmas crafts, New Year Joys
Sometime in term3, I sat in soghurt with KL to plan our very own SL project. I was like all excited to work it out. We had a fruitful discussion..which later died off due to our busy schedules. I mean, we were talking about it still, but I didn't really get down to do anything much. The real planning started again during the holidays and we started contacing organizations. Some time before, Linette joined the team. We ended up successful beyond our wildest imaginations, and ended up doing 3 CIP projects instead of 1. it was awesome. and meaningful.

November/ December holidays
Apart from the 18 days overseas, and a 5 day stay in Aloha Changi chalet with my family and relatives (so that's 23 days, or 3 weeks equivalent), I spent the rest of my time slacking. 2011 left so little time for myself, i barely had time to read. I spent lots of time gaming, doing nothing fruitful. Slacking. Sleeping at 3am and waking up at 3pm. (Still doing so now.) Thats all really. Bye 2011.

Other stuff: 6F BBQ, Class outing, Class BBQ, Faculty outing, All the random meetups with friends, Last Day of J1, First Mid Autumn at HCJC, Teachers Day, Festival of Sports, Astronomy Conference, The freaking PW journey which pulled me to my limits, SABBATICALS, Class GEMS, Astro buffet, Clean and green week (Pub IC), Astro's June Overseas Trip @ Bintan (Or was it batam LOL), Be yourself day @ HCJC, Astro's "handover" ceremony, NHHS's Speech day, ASTRIGUE 2011, Ares Faculty CIP, Going to Mrs Lew's house for CNY, CNY celebrations with my family, and many more.

PRAISE GOD FOR 2011, MAY 2012 BE A BETTER YEAR!

Bye 2011, Hi 2012.

2012-01-01T18:54:00.000+08:00

Spent yesterday night, (or this morning) with YT MY Joyce (the gang.)

Met the guys at pioneer mall. Walked to pioneer mrt. Took mrt, and then stayed out at Marina Bay (the sg flyer area) to countdown and watch the fireworks. Started camwhoring/ talking/ complaining and shortly after the fireworks (8 mins worth of fireworks (Y)), walked around (lots of crowd!) we took bus 97 to vivo and then ate macs at a random grasspatch cum pavement area.

Joked and chatted. By then it was about 2am and then we realised the last mrt was a goner. hoho. There were party people everywhr trying to flag down cabs and the lines to dial a cab were all full. We then decided to walk and walk to ks all the people flagging cabs before we finally managed to flag one at 3am. Reached home at 3.35am and then crashed, but not before reviewing all my photos and feeling happy :D

May not be much but for a 17 year old kiddo like me, it was damn freaking fun. My parents didn't say anything the next morning too. Awesum.

(Didn't feel so happy when i woke up at 4pm today though HAHA)

2011-12-31T17:49:00.002+08:00

Woke up at 3pm today. Havent been in the mood to do anything much since then.

2011-12-31T00:04:00.002+08:00

What i did today: Woke up, ate pizza hut, watched a movie, did one chem tutorial, started on a new sonata, did 4 questions of maths, hell lot of facebook, and I'm gonna start on a 1000 paged novel. Hopefully I'll finish it soon. Nights.

2011-12-30T21:38:00.001+08:00

Can't believe this. Another year gone.

Christmas this year

2011-12-30T21:37:00.003+08:00

I'd say without doubt that the christmas song of this year would be Mistletoe by JB. (Yeah, laugh.)

Christmas eve this year was spent...omfg i can't remember anymore. What's wrong with me? Oh yeah. Spent it with my family gg to my father's friends' house. It was awefully boring, and i fell asleep on the couch despite like 10+ kiddos running around the house screaming at the top of their voices. )':

Christmas was spent shopping with my family for food and after that we 3 cooked steamboat! :D Haha damn nice.

Kinda regret not going for any church's celebrations or to celebrate with friends. But then, family comes first i guess. :)

Wonder how New Year will be like. :B

Together we cry, we cry. I'll never be the same.

2011-12-30T21:33:00.001+08:00

New Year's Resolutions:
1. Good A levels results.
2. A place in a good uni?
3. Closer relationship with God.
4. Healthier lifestyle and regular sleeptime.

Actually for next year, I'll actually be happy if I just don't get too stressed out from all the examinations that will be going on. Sad huh, 17 alrd and what am i doing with my life? /:

2011-12-29T23:24:00.001+08:00

So this is what it feels like when nothing feels peaceful, inside and out.

2011-12-24T20:46:00.002+08:00

Sometimes i feel like I have 2 sides, one side, where everything depends on marks, going out with friends and family and whatnot. And the other side, where I'm feeling desperately lonely and holding on to any vestiges of brightness.

2011-12-24T20:45:00.002+08:00

It really hurts me, how I spend all my time doing...Nothing.

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/feel-like-giving-up/

2011-12-21T20:50:00.002+08:00

Taking the easy road is nice for a while, but for talented, motivated people it isn’t enough. To find satisfaction you’ll need to set ambitious goals, solve challenging problems, and develop strengths you may not know you have.
Although the hard road is more fulfilling, it isn’t all champagne and victory laps. There will be times when you feel beaten and depressed — times when quitting looks like the best option. There is no formula for dealing with hard times, but these 8 steps will help you understand your predicament and determine the best course of action.
1. Take a Break

One reason we get down ourselves is fatigue. When you’re tired everything is harder. Working your tail off for extended periods will wear you down if you aren’t careful. You’ll also get bored. Fatigue and boredom combine to cause burnout — one of the biggest reasons people quit. When faced with burnout, the best thing to do is take a break. Cut yourself off completely. Do absolutely nothing for a day or two. What’s the worst that could happen? By allowing yourself to recover you’ll be more productive in the long run.
2. Step Back
Sometimes we get so absorbed in our own sphere that we develop a distorted picture of reality. When you feel like giving up, there’s a good chance that a) things aren’t nearly as bad as they seem, and b) there’s a simple solution that you’re overlooking. When things seem bleak, distance yourself from the situation to gain an accurate perspective. What would someone without any emotional involvement do? Asking this question will help you make optimal decisions.
3. Do Your Research
The only constant in the universe is change, but when you’re plugging away with your head down it’s easy not to notice. People often make decisions based on outdated assumptions made months, or even years earlier. To develop a course of action, you’ll need to know where you stand. Stop to evaluate your position.

What do you have?
What do you want?
How has the market adjusted?
What opportunities still exist?
What new opportunities have arisen?

By taking stock of the current situation, you’ll discover if your urge to quit is a passing whim or the correct decision.
4. Consult an Expert
When your knowledge base is insufficient you should seek an expert opinion. This doesn’t mean you have to make contact with a world class expert, anyone who knows more than you will be able to help. Think of friends, family, and business associates. Have any of them been in your position before? The web can also be a great resource, just be careful who you trust. Check out relevant forums or email a reputable blogger. I’m consistently impressed with the effort people expend to help total strangers.
5. Re-evaluate Your Strategy
Once you’re well informed, apply that knowledge to revamping your strategy. If you feel like giving up, you might be doing something wrong. This is the time to pour over your efforts and determine what works.

What actions have lead to the greatest benefit?
What mistakes have been made?
What can be improved?

By answering these questions you’ll fine tune your strategy. The urge to give up is a blessing when it leads to analysis and constructive adjustments.
6. Change Course
Knowing what’s wrong and how you can fix it is a relief. Unlike an invisible monster hovering over you, an exposed problem can be directly assaulted. Once you’ve determined a change needs to be made, implement it full force. Don’t hesitate or dwell on past mistakes. Trust your own judgment and deal with new issues as they arise.
7. Push Through the Dip
In some cases you might feel like giving up even though you’re doing all the right things. This is called “the dip” — the plateau that separates the average from the best in the world. Knowing what to do when you hit the dip is so important, Seth Godin wrote a book on it. In you’ve hit the dip and you can honestly say that going forward is the best decision, lower your shoulder and plow ahead until you reach the other side. It might not be pleasant but the rewards are tremendous. If you make it.
8. Quit
We don’t have thoughts and emotions for nothing. Sometimes quitting is the best decision. Maybe you didn’t know what you were getting into. Maybe your priorities have changed. Maybe you’d be better doing something else. If you know deep down that quitting is the right move, do it. Don’t hesitate because of previously invested effort. That’s a sunk cost. If you ignore your better judgment and continue you’ll waste more time and energy.

2011-12-08T00:01:00.001+08:00

Spent today reading 3 books, by Meg Cabot. I have sort of forgotten how awesome she is back from when i was young. Then and walked into my sister's room where she was reading some book by Jodi Picoult. She's 6 years younger than me but shes reading a book that i was read this year.

That kinda got me thinking for awhile. Is she the one advancing so fast - or am i the one, that's still reading childish fiction books, unable to move on and improve on the quality and standard of books I'm reading?

2011-11-01T15:31:00.001+08:00

Turning 17 in 6 days. I don't wanna grow up. I really don't want to.

Been really unproductive for the past few weeks. Gotta wake up.

But I know I won't.

2011-11-01T10:52:00.001+08:00

I've to do more to disgust myself less.

2011-10-20T21:00:00.001+08:00

http://www.visualbadge.com/BuildBadge_Type.aspx

Life after promos

2011-10-19T01:21:00.001+08:00

Hi blog, sorry for neglecting you for quite awhile. Promos results have not been good so far. One C and one E. I'm screwed, and any vestiges of me being able to take H3 is totally gone. But then, even if I (by some unpredictable miracle) had managed to get a grade that is good enough to secure me a H3 subject, I have to say that it is highly unlikely that I'll opt for H3. For one, psychology (that's what i want to study) does not have any link to any of the H3 subjects, and I find little point in seeking knowledge that cannot be well utilised in the future. And secondly, I know I cmi if I take h3 D: Have to focus on H2, to get good grades for As.

Life after promos has been surprisingly boring, and I have not done any of the things I wanted to do. Being the deprived Hwa Chong kid I am, I immediately seeked respite in computer games, simply because I really (after months of extremely hectic, crazy and busy days) felt so relieved... doing nothing. How ironically painful. Hmm.

Besides that, I'm now suffering from the pain of Project Work and all the baggage that comes with it, i.e irresponsible groupmates, weird teachers with mood swings, chionging datelines, staying late nights using the computer (but not for games lol), etc. The first week after PW was entire days of PW and more PW, getting really sick of that #&@^ of a subject. This week is returning of papers, which by itself is already a mental burden to my shoulders.

Haven't even got time to go out, except with BFF. Wonder if Saturday's outing with explorer's gang will be successful. :3 Some early birthday celebration, wtp its 2 weeks more, not 2 days more to my birthday! D: Hahahaha :)

Yup, that's about all for now. And gotta return to editing WR. I really wonder why is it that no matter how hard me and Jia Wen tries, our WR is never up to scratch. Oh yeah I think I know why, its hard for 2 people to cover 5 peoples' work.

But then again, life sucks and we all have to move on some way or the other.

2011-09-21T00:22:00.002+08:00

cant breathe cant breathe cant breathe omfg chem test tmr but im doing pw. so screwed. havent done performance tasks x3 either for tomorrow. fml. seriously. :(

2011-09-10T01:02:00.002+08:00

Dear God, thank You for relieving me of my sins and for forgiving me. I will not disappoint. Please bless me...thank You for showing me the way You feel and for making me pure. Please guide me and show me the correct path...

tutorials left

2011-09-02T21:52:00.000+08:00

genetic variation, viruses, halogen deriatives, , 8B, Supplementary exercises

2011-09-02T13:43:00.001+08:00

http://isp.hc.edu.sg/video/lectures.asp?id=3&id2=25&id3=137

Uh oh

2011-09-01T01:19:00.001+08:00

29 days to promos, and...

THIS MUCH to revise.

Oh God, PLEASE BLESS ME!!!

2011-08-29T02:41:00.001+08:00

iso, shutter speed, white balance, aperture, f stop, flash, exposure, zoom lens

Broad areas of study:

2011-08-29T01:56:00.002+08:00

Psychology, International Studies, General Medical, Education, Management, Administration, Social studies/ Science

Self elimination:

Psychology, General Medical, Management, Administration, Social studies/ Science

Things to do after Promos

2011-08-29T00:38:00.000+08:00

- DSLR & the photography stuff
- Plan future
- Astro SL
- The other idea for SL
- Push for Astro badge
- Start planning for astrigue
- 30 week plan for astro next year, with objectives
- Think of how to get new J1s into astro
- Research on university admissions, and which universities are good for psychology
- Spend more time with BFF
- Survive OCIP
- CIP some place else
- Go out with friends to cool places
- Get a new haircut
- Buy new shoes and clothes

The words I never said

2011-08-27T02:25:00.002+08:00

How the sun shined on your face
on the most beautiful face in this world
framed by the longest eye lashes i've seen
when your tall frame shadowed mine
all the veins and muscles in your pale arms
but yet, how i felt safe at the same time.

The hours we'll spend talking
Each day was exciting as we learnt more about each other
And we'll sneak out of class just to have a few words
The air of danger
of getting caught together,
the risk made it all the more exciting
How that staircase became a place of memories for us

Funny how time flies when you're awestruck
when two hearts connect
how everything seems so crystal clear with the right person around
how the hardest physics formulas plant themselves in my head
with just a whisper from you
how i'll stay wide awake in the most boring of classes
just to turn around to look at you
how we'll just eat hawker food
And you'll exclaim its our best meal ever
how we'll sit together at the piano
and anything you play seemed like a miracle

That electrifying tingle when we brushed hands
how that innocent handshake
had me awake for hours
how that casual high 5
made my heart beat faster
I'll always remember the first time
We leaned closer
How I could hear your breaths
I could have stayed there forever feeling your warmth

How even the most horrible of songs
sounded like a peaceful melody when you shared it
How I would play them over and over again
just because they'll remind me of you
And when I got a phonecall for you
I would drop everything, just to hear your voice
How I would close my eyes and stop breathing
Just so I could hear your voice louder and clearer
Hear your laughs ever more distinctively
How I would refuse to put down the phone
Just so I could have a few more moments with you

And remember how i used to always be sleepy?
Truth is, I was always wide awake,
it was just the sweetness in the air that made me drowsy with happiness
And how you would offer your shoulder
And I'll place my head on it, I could have stayed there forever.

How I'll always worry
That you weren't feeling the same way as I was,
that you were uncomfortable, or wasnt as happy
But then, I'll always remember how at the same exact moment
We both gave that sign of satisfaction
And with that, a wave of reassurance.
It'll always amaze me.

And a million other amazing things
that blew my mind away
can't write it all here, or I may just break down.
They threw me off course, a perfect fantasy.
To date, everything you've given me is still with me..
even if it was just a random note, or the presents, flower, cards. Everything.

Times have changed
I no longer take physics
I go to college in a big, grand but unfamiliar campus
And when the sun shines, its just too hot
the lessons are too boring, I fall asleep in all of them
How there are flaws in everyone, can't help but see them
I can't get the intensity right anymore
Nothing feels right
Sure, I can always fool myself,
But I know I'll never have the same sincerity again

Time flies, people change,
I'm sorry for all the sadness
That look of sadness on your face
Nearly broke me, filled me with guilt
I'm sorry I was so superficial, I really hated myself
I couldn't face you for months afterwards
How not going to NJC seemed like the natural thing to do
Till now, its so awkward talking to you...
But the memories, they'll stay. Forever.

Fly away

2011-08-13T00:59:00.002+08:00

School is real mundane, not complaining though. Been coping badly this few months, and I'm not sure if i now have the capability of improving anymore.

Life's tough, and we all need to seek direction in life. On a side note, just wrote a nomination for MCTA for my form teacher, (or rather, in JC they call it a Civics tutor or whatever). And poof, half hour gone... Oh my, so much for my newfound habit of sleeping early. Sometimes I really hate myself and my inability to control my behavior :)

Blown away, blown away

2011-08-10T01:29:00.004+08:00

I swear all this is killing me, I know I'm being selfish - but for once, I've no qualms, for I know that I cannot survive anymore.

I'll try to do it right this time around. I don't want to just be the one standing in the crowd, it's not over, I will be the one standing out. Time to find motivation.

I'm so tired of standing in the crowd.

2011-08-08T01:21:00.001+08:00

Sigh. Life sucks.

2011-08-04T01:49:00.001+08:00

Bio class test tomorrow but im not sleeping... feel wide awake now talking to a random person on msn. Young people don't sleep, nono.

The rain's going to follow you wherever you go, the clouds go back and the thunder rolls. And i see lightning, I see lightning.

2011-07-29T01:36:00.005+08:00

So my sister told me recently that some 20+ year old teacher back in NHPS died in her sleep randomly. My first thought was: OMG why so unlucky... But after giving it more thought, i started to wonder if she was really so unfortunate, after all, she did die a painless death and wasn't hurting all over...right?

I like the irony of their album name. Their called Hurts, and their album name is happiness. The beauty of ironies. Darn, I should have took lit class. I knew I wasn't cut out for Maths.

Hurts - Silver lining
There's a storm on the streets, but you still don't run
Watching and waiting for the rain to come.
And these words wouldn't keep you dry
Or wipe tears from an open sky,
But I know, but I know, but I know I'm right

And I won't let you drown, when the water's pulling you in
I'll keep fighting, I'll keep fighting.
The rain's going to follow you wherever you go.
The clouds go black and the thunder rolls
And I see lightning, and I see lightning

When the World surrounds you, I'll make it go away
Paint the sky with silver lining.
I will try to save you, cover up the grey
With silver lining

Now there's no way back from the things you've done
I know it's too late to stop the setting sun.
You see the shadows in the distant light,
And it's never going to be alright
And you know, and you know, and you know I'm right

And I won't get left behind, when the walls come tumbling in
I'll keep climbing, I'll keep climbing
The rain's going to follow you wherever you go.
The clouds go black and the thunder rolls
And I see lightning, and I see lightning

When the World surrounds you, I'll make it go away
Paint the sky with silver lining
I will try to save you, cover up the grey
With silver lining (x2)

Silver, silver, silver, silver, silver, silver lining,
Deep blue sky, deep blue sky

2011-07-27T00:27:00.001+08:00

and i thought i nearly had it

2011-07-25T23:59:00.003+08:00

I want a boy best friend who will call me beautiful, and like my photos on facebook, commenting on them saying things such as the fact he's proud to have my as a best friend. One that I can call up, crying about other boys, and him saying he'll beat the shit out of them for me. A boy best friend that will drive me around like they're my big brother. One who becomes friends with my boyfriend and one who calls me up to see what i'm doing. I want a boy best friend who will tell me when I am wrong, and force me into fixing things and apologizing because he knows that it will make things better for me. I just want a perfect boy best friend, who will love me and protect me from all of the other boys.
-Tumblr

2011-07-23T01:15:00.001+08:00

Hi haha. My marks sucks for BT, but i totally deserve it. :)

If love was a beam, you'd be blind with both eyes, now sunglasses on people

2011-07-19T23:55:00.001+08:00

Tell me again, was it love at first sight
When I walked by and you caught my eye...
Didn't you know that love can shine this bright
Now, smile because you're the deer in the headlights :)

It's suffocating to say but the female mystique takes my breath away.
Now give me a smile, or give me a sneer,
because I'm trying to guess here.

2011-07-19T23:44:00.003+08:00

Everyone thinks they're good people, they can't see their own evil side, no they can't, no they can't.

Life

2011-07-16T01:02:00.000+08:00

I was just sitting on the bus thinking about how life is busy...but empty...

Then when the bus reached clementi mrt, I suddenly realised that the person next to me, who needed to go out... was half bald, you know, when you just had chemo and your hair is just starting to grow out.

And yet she tried to make herself presentable, wearing a hairband, bold and striking clothes, despite her greying hair and tired face. Why is it that people like her can face so much adversity in the eye and still be able to live life with peace while us, frantic students from an elite school, complain everyday about insignificant troubles like homework, tutorials and such?

And there it was, that sudden wave of relief, or perhaps, its a sudden wave of appreciation, that I'm not the one with eyes that can't see the beauty of the world, ears that can't hear the sound of waves on the beach, or hear the drops of rain hitting the pavements, or maybe the inability to speak, to effect influence on people around me just with a few words... Thanking God, fate, or whatever, that I'm not the one that can't walk, can't run, can't jump, can't feel the freedom of movement...

But yet, I can't help but feel frustrated, even bitter - why am i so busy, but so empty? Insecurities, commitments, expectations, weariness... It's time to admit - I'm not a happy go lucky kind of person, but I can't understand why I can't look at the bigger picture sometimes, maybe I should just be contented, be satisfied with my 2 Bs for Blocktests. However, I can't help but feel just a little bit of disappointment, after all, I've never gotten more than 2 Bs for like ever since... sec 1?

I guess it's time to admit that I am not exactly the smartest brain in this elite, influential school. But it's also time to admit that I've grown much over these 7 months. The Xin hui that entered Hwa Chong is definitely different from the one typing this now..... Through this 7 months, I've done so many things, felt so much, laughed so much, screamed in frustration so many countless times, made new friends, lost some old ones, learned how to be strong by myself, learnt how systems work, to adapt myself from the cosy and playful feeling of NH to one where people brisk walk to school, people spend breaks studying hard and not playing ball or playing taptap, where you throw a stone and it probably hits someone with an IQ that surpasses mine, a school where everyone seems to have their own niche - whether it's studies, music, sports, art etc. You name it, HC has it...

The feeling is so different, but good at the same time. Gone are the days of idle chatter at the canteen, gone are the days where you just walk to the canteen for the fun of it and back to stalk people. Here comes the days where portfolio means everything - people join stuff to gain credentials, where everyone within a 10 mile radius of you has their life impeccably packed up, filled with stuff, full of commitments. Everything felt so surreal, so different, when you walk into school, you see people deep in discussions, planning SL projects, doing tutorials, revising for lectures... People don't read story books, they read Times, they read the Economists...

And yet, I owe it all to HC to have given me countless opportunities, albeit off the academic field. Ironically, research didn't appeal to me at all, and weirdly, I'm actually doing not so well for studies as compared to other activities. I'm so used to getting all A1s, and studying nearly all the time, it's kind of surreal...getting a B. I suppose I deserve it though, I perfectly understand and my grades are perfectly explainable - CCAs take up the bulk of my time, planning for them the other half, discussing with my friends about project work, SL projects, proposals and what not, they're so time-consuming, but at the same times, strangely enriching at the same time. True, I no longer have enough time for myself, I don't have time to read, to watch the TV, even to sleep, sometimes to eat, I don't do tutorials until the very last minute, or sometimes, I don't even do them at all...... I suppose my grades are a disaster waiting to happen.

But life is life, and I suppose life goes on, I'm still gonna miss the cheery old days in NH, but at the same time, it's about time I start embracing the hectic, fast paced, but enriching and memorable days in HC instead :)

2011-07-13T15:23:00.001+08:00

I'm so stressed...

When you shoot all the way up, there's bound to be a scary drop, cuz what goes up must come down

2011-07-11T23:04:00.006+08:00

You and I, know what it's like,
To be kicked down, forced to fight
But tonight, we're alright
So hold up your lights
Let it shine

Cause this one's for you and me, living out our dreams
We are all right where we should be, lift my arms out wide, I open my eyes
And now all I wanna see, is a sky full of lighters
A sky full of lighters

SL project

2011-07-10T00:05:00.002+08:00

This blogpost is to remind myself why I wanna organize a SL project, so that when I'm darn busy I'll still churn out some time for it no matter what.

Firstly, there is barely no meaning in my life. I want to effect changes in someone's life, even if it's just one person, in a small way, to make someone feel happy for awhile, it's enough for me.

I can't stand it that I live through everyday like nothing and i can't remember nuts about my life...

The power to effect change! And I'm even luckier that Kang Li is as enthusiastic as me. Kudos to all our productive discussions and her passion really rubs off me! Hard to find someone who is into the SL not for portfolio but really with the passion to help. Hopefully I can learn more from her! Life is not all about paper. (although admittedly it's quite important, but there are more meaningful things in life. Too bad people are too short-sighted to realise that.)

2011-07-09T00:25:00.002+08:00

Priorities for now:

Studies.
PW.
Astro.
SL project.

Other stuff:
Green Council
YLEP
Greeen Club

2011-07-02T02:05:00.001+08:00

ARGH, PW!

Remember all your sadness and frustrations

2011-07-01T00:27:00.003+08:00

And let it go

chandeliers on the floor

2011-07-01T00:23:00.002+08:00

Hi. Currently slacking from revision for chem. gonna sleep alr haha. I am such a slacker omg :> Actually I don't really feel like posting cuz my life sucks ttm and I've nth to post about. hehehe. Anw deciding between a) going out with sophia b) going back to NH with joyce or c) going out to play bball with exclassmates after BT tomorrow. But i guess it'll have to come after astro exco meeting and green council meeting. lol. fml man! And still have undone EOM S: Totally no idea how to do. Oh gawdddddd :P

Anyway I've to say that this BT was a lesson to me to start revision early. I can't say i screwed up but i most certainly didn't do well also. Hopefully tomorrow's chem paper will be an easy one cuz i seriously can't be bothered to do tys/ see my tutorials ;x. Hopefully my minimal revision is sufficient but then, no pain no gain and since i had no pain.. Well i guess it's no gain for me. Ah well. Hopefully life goes on :D Looking forward to tomorrow :DDDD

2011-06-25T00:55:00.001+08:00

Shucks.

2011-06-23T18:15:00.000+08:00

and I'm drowning and burning in my own inadequacy

maybe it's about time i screwed up badly, a well deserved wake up call, i guess...

2011-06-20T21:21:00.001+08:00

Right now, I'm dying alr. Idk hw I'm gonna finish revising for blocks, and I've been slacking ever since I reached home from Batam. Well, i guess the only option now is to start work NOW. Gonna read through organisation, and the rest of DNA structure. I guess time will be tight O:

2011-06-16T21:47:00.001+08:00

I think I'm becoming crazy. Maybe I should follow my thoughts.

batam

2011-06-16T20:57:00.003+08:00

OFF TO BATAM TMR! An appropriate smiley would be :l

Since I'm neither happy nor sad.

life seriously cant get any worser.

2011-06-16T01:03:00.007+08:00

Lost my wallet.. :( Shit man! My parents are gonna kill me. Its not about the cash! All my valuables inside! My sidegate card, my EZ link card, my prince of tennis cards, and idk what else!! (not to mention like 50 bucks) .........:( I knew something bad was coming. I could feel it coming. OH SHIT I HOPE MY IC IS NOT IN MY WALLET MAN. Some how i think it is... fml.

Just where is the line that can't be crossed?

2011-06-15T01:57:00.005+08:00

Hoping to finish differentiation and integration tutorials tomorrow (i mean today :))

Jiayou jiayou jiayou!

Chalet now! Quite cool. Ok I'm off. Too lazy to blog.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnupL42gmF4&feature=fvwrel

2011-06-14T01:26:00.001+08:00

omggomggomggomggomgg damn stressed now thanks to BT. Not enough time to revise!

2011-06-14T01:01:00.007+08:00

You can be the prince and I can be your princess
You can be the sweet tooth I can be the dentist
You can be the shoes and I can be the laces
You can be the heart that I spill on the pages

You can be the vodka and I can be the chaser
You can be the pencil and I can be the paper
You can be as cold as the winter weather
But I don't care as long as we're together

~

2011-06-12T02:04:00.019+08:00

Finally, some time to blog. Well, to my disappointment, we didn't even get into finals...

Haha yeah. I feel that it's really quite wasted, after all the time and effort spent. But at the very least, i've learnt far more than i ever expected to in these few months. I can't really say it's wasted time, cuz for all the time i was learning stuff about the nightsky or astrophysics or whatever, the opportunity cost was probably just a few hours of tv here and there..?

Learned quite a lot these few months, but still, it felt like all my efforts and energy were flushed away. But i don't really blame anyone, the truth is, our standards really weren't there, in my opinion. The other schools were really good, NJ sent a whole team of J2s, VJ sent china scholars (who probably had lots of experience already), RJ, well, self explanatory, NUSH.. Haish. Yeah, I feel that we just couldn't make the cut, it wasn't about luck or whatever. We just weren't good enough, even though we tried so hard. But it's okay though, at the very least, we've put in lots of effort and although i feel that we've disappointed lots of people, i feel that our team has really done very well already, seeing that we only had 3 months of experience where others had like 5 years or so...

Went to WCP to rant with AC team, i feel that we've really became very bonded :)

Also today was ACSTJ, seriously, totally didnt wanna let them treat us, seriously, i really have no face to let the seniors treat us alr, after all their efforts, this is what we gave them? of course they were very understanding, but yeah. we've let them down.

Whatever it is, time to move on, life goes on, i need to move on, i can't be stuck in the past. Gotta start mugging, mugging, mugging, for BT, catch up with my friends, do PW, talk to my siblings, practice my piano, think about life, give myself some leeway, things i've forgotten ever since AC came round the corner, we can't bring back time, and to be honest, this is one of the few times where if you'd given me the clock to turn around to change something so that we wouldn't have screwed up, i realise that there's nothing i would change. Or rather, there's seriously nothing i can change even if im given a time machine.

2011-06-11T19:47:00.002+08:00

Haish, we didn't even get into finals.. So wasted................

2011-06-09T23:00:00.001+08:00

Climb up over the top, survey the state of the soul
You've got to find out for yourself
Whether or not you're truly trying

Why not, give it a shot?
Shake it, take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you

I hate my life.

2011-06-09T18:34:00.007+08:00

Don't know why this few days i keep feeling like blogging.
Super frustrated now, I guess i just need somewhere that i can type all these crap out... Depressed :(

I feel so inadequate, cuz this is one of the few times where i feel that I'm just stupid. I feel like there're strings pulling me, like people's high expectations of me.

So glad it's all gonna end tomorrow, cos if I go on like that, I can't go on as I have no support to fall back on.

There’s nothing scarier than getting what you want, because that’s when you really have something to lose.

2011-06-07T22:30:00.002+08:00

Why is everything so effing hard?

AC tomorrow. YAY! Finally.

Dear God, what the hell is wrong with me?

life

2011-05-15T15:17:00.000+08:00

Hi blog. Just a rant, i find it rather pointless to study. Like, do the things we actually spend years of our lives trying to understand actually matter in the end? What has integration gotta do with my life? But yet, I'm wasting my youth (yes, I'm 16 alr, how fast..) on these useless, senseless, meaningless topics trying to frantically understand some crap which probably wouldnt matter at all after A levels. What's the point?

A student's life in Singapore is really pathetic, you don't really have the freedom to actually DO what you want, unless you wanna compromise your future and hence your $$$ when you get older. Seriously, my life is revolved around studies, studies and more crap studying which is useless and to be absolutely honest, i don't really have much interest in what i'm studying. For all i know, I DONT GIVE A FREAKING CRAP about chemical bonding, differentiation or whatever shit crap which I'm studying now, forcefully attending hours of lectures on this kind of pointless crap whose only point is the fact that society dictates a student to study these stuff so as to gain a cert to prove that you've slogged your life out.

Seriously I'm 100% + chop sure that I'm not gonna be a scientist/ mathematician or whatever in the future which effectively means that all the stuff I'm studying now ain't gonna be of much use to me anyway. And even if it's of some (even perhaps minimal) use, WELL LET'S FACE IT. I'm not gonna remember much of it after A levels dude. Besides, i fail to see why differentiation or whatever is gonna be useful in my life la. WHAT'S THE EFFING CALCULATOR FOR THEN? WHAT'S GOOGLE FOR? Dk anything? JUST GOOGLE! No biggie!

Yupyup much as i love everyone in my school and stuff, i feel that the Singaporean education system places too much emphasis on studying, reducing our students (well, those who actually give a flying fuck about their studies anyway) to mugging robots. And if you actually wanna consider not conforming to this screwed system, oh manohmanohman! Rest assured that the education system has guaranteed that YOU'RE SCREWED UP, or your future is at least.

Can't wait for the days when i can start doing things i deem meaningfull, things that i actually wanna do for once. Hell yeah. Maybe I'll even take a gap year to slack it out. And sort my life out.

rants

2011-04-29T23:56:00.000+08:00

heyhey damn stressed now. back from speech day all tired. haha. astrochallenge is coming in 1 month.

yea.

2011-04-23T22:08:00.001+08:00

Why do i feel like my life has been sucked out of me.

2011-04-22T23:30:00.001+08:00

This few days i have been going through my life like i'm on some cloud 9. Cos every morning I'll get to see something i really like.

I have no idea why, but i don't get any work done leh. Tired ):

Chem lecture test on Monday. Hurray. I don't get a single thing...

2011-04-18T20:04:00.002+08:00

your thoughts are coming so profound
coming at the speed of sound

Finally one free night to chiong my chem tutorial.

2011-04-17T01:30:00.002+08:00

Remember when i said hwa chong people are damn relaxed about studies? Now i take it back. hahaha we're muggers just like NJC.

Chionging my PI like mad horse now.. Had to redo my case study man. FML. Byebye blog.

2011-04-15T23:36:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, I really hate myself.

Sometimes, I really find it hard to smile...

Sometimes, i find it so hard to get out of bed and face life.

Sometimes, i need support but i have no idea where i'm gonna find it.

Sometimes, i'm afraid of failure and i am scared of getting judged.

Sometimes, i become paranoid that people might have bad impressions of me.
Sometimes, i don't feel safe.

Sometimes, i'm scared that people won't like me for who i am.

Sometimes, i feel that people take me as a joke.

Sometimes, i feel that i'm unappreciated.

Sometimes, i feel that i have a million things to do but i have no mood to do anything..

Sometimes, i just feel like relieving my beautiful and happy memories over and over again..........

And in doing so, ask myself, what's the point of my life now?

Massive update

2011-03-18T02:46:00.000+08:00

hi guys if theres anyone there at all, lol. been a long time since i blogged, like 3months?. anyway, i got into hwachong. initially it was kinda hard to fit in and stuff cos i didn't know a single person in school, but slowly i adapted and yeah. The feeling of regret for not going into NJC where almost all of my friends are at has slowly kind of faded away as i get used to life in hwachong.

Anw yeah. Nth much to say about hwachong except that people are damn relaxed about studies, compared to other JCs i guess. Orientation was damn awesome. The first few days of lectures about boring stuff and games was okayokay, i guess. I didn't exactly make any close friends in my OG, yeah. More like acquaintences. So i was kinda like hoping to get into a class where i can fit in well and make some close friends. Anw my class is 11S76 and the people there are quite nice i suppose.

Yeah. Getting to know some people quite well.. however there's still some people like, i rarely speak to..and its kinda hard to talk to people if everyone has their own cliques and stuff. oh well. you can't have everything in life. and kangli is in my class! hurray.

That's all for adapting into hwachong i guess. really like the cool stuff they come up with like campfire and fac dance. Seriously those two friday nights were really damn awesome and fun.

As for CCA, my main CCA (or so i view it la, does not mean the rest not so impt) is astro club. quite fun. i think i went in with the wrong impression that its a club to see stars. lol. yeah. instead we're learning abt all these stuff abt astrophysics and solar system and stuff like the heliocentric and geocentric debate. oops have i lost you? HAHA

seniors are pretty much awesome max, and the people in astro is seriously (and i mean seriously) damn smart. haha. well whose surprised right. theres this guy who taught us relativity and i think what he taught us in one lesson is more than what mr peh teach me in 2 years. haha physics sia. ya i know im damn weird. drop physics and then pick up a CCA which learns physics. epic phail, seriously. but what really was the deciding factor to join astro was all the joker people there, especially the seniors O:

Ah well. green club is quite fun also. joining it was sort of an impulse decision. the people there damn funny i seriously like. there is this guy where i can niao him for like the whole day and then he'll just suck it up and niao me back. HAHA. damn joke. anw there is like only 8 active members. haish. seriously.. the people is damncool. really! seriously, none of us even know what to recycle or whatever luh, we just joined as a second CCA. its seriously epic for a club where you expect people in there to be green freaks.

For piano i got a new teacher. fml man seriously i totally embarassed myself in front of her during the first lesson cos i forgot to bring my book and my scales is like grade 1 standard. fml. seriously i felt like melting on the spot. i think she got damn bad impression of me and she must be thinking why the hell is this girl in grade 8. or maybe shes thinking waseh this lazy girl. never practice scales and never bring her pieces.

haha the best part is today is thursday, lesson is on saturday and i havent touched the piano much since the lst lesson which was the master lesson. i totally got owned by this girl whose only taking grade 6. wth..

yeah. as for holidays (yeah its the march holidays now), quite packed. For monday, i had to go back to school for GC and then went out with sophia to marina bay sands to take pictures and catch up. On tues had to go dentist in the morning and then went to Cikgu's house with malay peeps before rushing to WCP to BBQ with 6f peeps. packed much? Wednesday went to school early in the morning for Astrochallenge training and then GC to paint the banner till like damn late at night. Thursday, (which is today), initially i was supposed to go sentosa with my new class, but then i woke up at 2.. and then procrastinated until 4..by then it was like too late to go anywhere. seriously i kinda regret going leh. cos they took alot of pictures and looked like they had alot of fun sia... >): yeahh. for tmr. Have to go back to school for green club and maybe a possible outing to west coast plaza (never been there much) to eat yoghurt with MQ and yiting. yeah thats all for my holidays. so fast goner.

havent got a chance to do much work, and to be honest, even though i stayed at home today, couldnt get much work done leh. i wonder why ): its like i cant find the motivation to study leh. i can just stare at the same piece of notes for like 1h and not get anything. the most i can do is just read through and understand but i cant remember a single thing there. why sia why. then i still have chem, bio and econs AA undone.. wtf can. im seriously damn screwed up alr. when term 2 reopen there'll be lecture tests and i havent studied a single shit. homework undone. screw my life..

at least theres outing to sentosa (yeah sentosa again, lol) with joyce and explorer's gang. cfm damn fun. bye guys time to sleep. 246am now.

exploring

2010-12-07T21:20:00.000+08:00

Okay. Anw. If any of you guys have been talking to me at all for the past few days, you'll knw that i wanna explore sgp. Hahahah.

Yesterday, went for badminton with 402 peeps in the morning and early afternoon. I was "classically late" LOL. Sorry to keep you guys waiting until they had to seat. Then when i arrive i still sit then i realised everyone was waiting for me haha. EXPLORED gombak's pasar malam. Nth much. Bought slurpee ;D Love my classmates. Joy's badminton is rather pro. Jocelyn and Fook's bros came too! Welll... Fook's bro seems to have slimmed down and his badminton is really goodddd. I played with Joy, Shiny, XingHui, Xinghui's bro, Yt, LC, erm... Huiqi...Who else?
Anw I started calling my backpack the explorer's backpack. And kept going on and on abt exploring lol. Apparently some of my friends caught my enthusiasm (erhemerhem). Okay lah not really.

Me, Jiaoyce, Jiao Tao, LC and radish head aka Mengyeow went to Clem's pizza for lunch. I ate spag and the rest ate Pizzapans I think. Lol. Jiaoyce ate the slowest. Kekeke.

;D AFTER that, we (Except LC who went home) decided to go exploring. Guess whose idea? Although I didnt invite radish head lah, he self invite one. LOL:P Okay hope he doesnt read this. We went to Chinese Garden's pagoda (or so I learnt). The view was good! First time there. hahaha. Pictures on fb but in case you are srsly outdated and don't have facebook, heres a picture.

Kope from fb, credits to Joyce's DSLR.

Anw the view is from 7 stories high and although its raining it was really fun!

Yeah. Then, we decided to go Mengyeow's house at Chinese Garden! The walk was very,very,very,very,veryx1000 long. Idk how mengyeow walk that distance everyday one la. Wtheck. hahaha. We went to his house and then stalked people's fb. ;D. Or rather SOMEONE stalked while we watched. Then played poker cards.

Then we decided to take bus to IMM to eat pepper lunch.. By then i alr die liao. My feet super lot of blisters and abit tired liao. Lol. Jiaoyce and MY didn't play badminton..so i think they were not so tired. Well I was. Decided to go home after that, missed ice-cream:( (anw i was so freakin full i couldnt eat anything haha)..

Walked ALONE (ya, abandoned by all my friends, jkjk.) to je station. haha at first i thought it would be pretty scary but actually alot of people walk la so not so scary. Thought abt whr to explore next on my way back. hahaha.

Anw.. Today was okay too! Woke up at 0930 to play audition. Lol i think i am abit weird. I prefer playing comp games early in the morning. I think because noone is up and i can play my games in peace. (cept for my bro but hes the best member of my family to be awake cos hes playing too lol).

Had piano later. Srsly i need to practice if i wanna have any hope of passing grade 8(let's not discuss merit or distinction first)...... Haish. Totally been abandoning my piano since O levels started. :( Gotta buck up XinHui!! Like jiaotao says.... ALLROUNDERS are the best. And i agree.

Managed to convince my bro and sis to go to the baking shop with me after that. ;D Bought lots of ingredients for the choco cake ;D Which i probably will be baking later. Yaya XINHUI the BAKER jkjk. Okok i think i am lame but ya. I will (or actually may) post pictures abt it here.

Do note that I'm not blogging for your benefit. Actually I'm blogging so that next time when i grow OLD i can rmb how my life was like. (although very LARGE bits and pieces are missing here and thr lol)

Ok la but thanks for reading (UNLESS YOURE MY BRO/ SIS then srsly get away ;D)

Byebye.

Sci center (CSI MIAMI) with the same gang tmr. ;D

holidays

2010-12-05T15:27:00.000+08:00

Well, time flies and it's now December already. I think for the sake of my sieve like memory in the future, I'm gonna update daily. Hahah. So that next year and the year after that, when I look back. I can at least have some idea what I was up to. ^^

Well....November was rather uneventful. My birthday was spent revising for SS. Doesn't matter, gonna hold birthday bash? Idk. Heh. ;D

What can I say. Sgp also nth much to do. Only shopping malls and blahblah. No natural beauty/scenerys unless you count the fake sand in sentosa :D

Anw. Gonna bake choco lava cake tmr, despite my cough i guess. *Mouth drools. Yepp. Inspired by pizzahut. No idea if it's gonna work. Initially, i wanted to bake today. But my bro booked the kitchen todae cos he wants to bake cookies. ZZZ. Heheheheh.

Recently, i decided to rejoin audition. Hahahahaha i am really free with nth to do I guess.

Fever

2010-11-29T13:02:00.000+08:00

Hahaha. So this is life after Os? Wtheck down for like 4 days due to my fever. What's more I think I'm gonna be bald all my hair is dropping. Ahhhhh. Why me I won't be mean to anyone anymore., had to skip class outing todae thanks to this. Wtheck I was like looking forward to jiaoing miss jiao.

Right. So apparently I can't. And I realized I haven't updated for a month and a half. Haha. More updates next time, using itouch nw. Just hope that I'll get well soon.

2010-10-08T16:26:00.000+08:00

YO TGIF

.

2010-10-07T16:53:00.001+08:00

...great i realised. 5 oclock le. Damn. Gotta shower. Went with Gina to baking shop and to get my new specs. gotta say that contacts is nicer to wear.

Mynew obsession is baking!

I mean..erhem after os i mean.

Cya people and is KOI really that great?

Pardon my bad typing style hands tired zzz

i realise i dont really care what you think about me

2010-10-05T18:00:00.001+08:00

TARGET TODAY

clear up + amaths p2 2009